Column The Best of the Rest Colin Grierson 12/05/2008 29comments | Jump to last It started quite well with a home win v Wigan But was hardly a sign that this year?d be a big?n. Spurred on at The Lane with a fine victory. Two games gone, we were top of the tree!!! Off up to Reading, Majestic we weren?t 3 points lost, our pinnacle spurned Rovers next, Moyes up against Hughes A McFadden stunner rescued The Blues. Then we wandered to Bolton and managed a win Joleon leapt, we didn?t half make a din At home to the Mancs who relied on a last ditch, Undeserved winner from Nemanja Vidic. The adventure begun, Metalist beckoned But it wasn?t the result that the faithful had reckoned More disappointment, despite the two reds We were left at the end with our hands on our heads. Back to The Prem, we weren?t up to the task An away win at Villa was too much to ask European hangover, don?t make me laugh Squad rotation, a defensive gaff! The boys showed their steel with a win at Sheff Wed Two more from McFadden put this one to bed Into the hat for the draw for round five! It?s great to have ?second string? cup hopes alive. Its round about now some readers will say ?Fuck this for a lark, reading poetry?s gay!? You know who you are; makes no difference to me There?s bound to be critics with ADHD. Back to the season now, on with the prose It was up to the challenge of Boro we rose Hardly a classic though, I must admit We secured the win, but Phil Neville was shit. Now to Kharkiv, the side from the Ukraine With that feeling of... No! Here we go again A brilliant, composed, solo goal from Big Vic Won the tie for the Blues, left the home side quite sick. Through to the group stages; skin of our teeth At the final whistle there was great relief Shouldn?t happen like that ?gainst a team of their ilk We made a pig?s ear from a purse of silk. The Geordies away looked a tough tie knowin An old foe awaited in the form of M. Owen The Barcodes were happy, Big Sam wore a smile Of course this preceded the Geordie fan?s bile. ?THE DERBY?. It wasn?t poetic at all The referee Twattenburg gave us fuck all The red shite stole the points from the game The twelfth man was the culprit and still evades blame. The little fat waiter and all of his mates Made their way back through the Skanky gates They couldn?t believe their luck that day They deserved fuck all on the balance of play. Three class goals ?gainst a poor team of Greeks Larissa though, exposed our defensive leaks But onward we marched with some great football played The points in the bag, we were top of the grade. Derby away, they really are poor Their strikers wouldn?t trouble a triple barn door On to Luton and what can I say? Another cup win, we?re on our way... The Brum at home and for us a late brace A grander occasion Carsley?s goal would grace Our form is good, another win for the Blues We keep on winning when I expect us to lose. It?s all about the law of averages you see When you support the Blues, expect to lose 1 in 3 I really can?t help it; it?s all that I know To be pessimistic helps soften the blow. It?s off to Germany where we?re awarded a pen Quite a while has passed since we took one of them Big Vic sprung off the bench and made it two A wonderful win for the boys in the Blue. Five wins on the trot since the red shite theft Maybe we thrive on the sour taste that they left We?re going really well on a footballing front Inspired by Twattenburg?s cunning stunt. A big test, A Sky 4 team, Chelsea away We soaked up the pressure for most of the day Then Drogba scored, but the arrogant prick Was somewhat upstaged by Tim?s overhead kick. Six without loss what?s going on? The Mackams at home next, fuck me, 7-1! Delirious fans are lapping it up Talking of lifting at least one cup. Pompey, at their place, a difficult game We didn?t play well; got a point all the same Zenit St Petersburg, a Tim goal beat them What a difference a run makes, now back to the Prem. Fulham at home and it?s easy to see The class of the Yak as he netted all three The Yak was fed and as predicted did score If he?d stayed on till the end then he may have got four. Two games v The Hammers, both on our travels It gets better and better as the season unravels 3 more points, the next round of the cup Things at The Park are sure looking up. Xmas in Holland a sight to be seen 3-2 to the lads unbeaten in thirteen I?m starting to expect us to win every game I?m an optimist now, it?s a funny old game. If you?ve got to this point and you?re sticking with this Why not take this opportunity to go have a piss I?ll wait for you here, let?s call it half time It?ll give me more chance to come up with a rhyme. There?s the whistle, let?s go, it?s Manure at their place A defeat by a single goal; that?s no disgrace But, for a moment of madness from Steven The game would?ve finished with honours even. Bolton at home an expectant crowd The boys win again, they did us proud Neville scored, the crowd gave a cheer If it was up to me he?d be out on his ear. Gunned down at home in our next Sky 4 test We weren?t as bad as the score but Arsenal were best They stuck in their chances with great aplomb The cannon took aim and was true with the bomb. Boro next on a wet New Year ?s Day Oh what fun it was to see us win away A makeshift side performed well in the wet We?d not seen the best of that Boro side yet. Round 3 of the cup, would this be our year? Oldham at home, surely nothing to fear Well, a wonderful result for plucky athletic Frankly, The Blues were atrocious, pathetic. Davey had fielded a weakened side A Wenger-like decision, a little bit snide Another chance gone; round 3 and out It really was an amateurish bout. Chelsea, the semis, is an away goal enough? We?re still in with a chance but it?s gonna be tough They?re not the same team now Mourinho?s gone We can still win this! We only need the one! City at home they?ve done well under Sven Another 3 points and now 5th in the Prem The ?Scottish Rooney? had played his swan song And we failed to replace him? Kenwright! Kens wrong! The Latics at their gaff, two up at half time We hadn?t played well, a worrying sign We moved into 4th though, displacing the shite The Champion?s league? Who knows we just might. Second leg of the semi at Goodison beckoned The Chelsea reserves were a force to be reckoned We gave it a shot and we chased down that goal It eventually came... from the boot of Joe Cole. Another chance missed, tell me ma, tell me ma To get the tea on, cos I?m not going far The European dream would continue, till then It was at home to Spurs, bread and butter, the Prem. Afcon, suspension, injuries galore Hardly a surprise that we failed to score Three left backs we had playing that day A goalless draw not a bad result eh! To Ewood Park next and another huge crime Committed by Wiley, the culprit THIS time It beggars belief the decisions they make How can they sleep at night For Fuck?s sake. It evens itself out over a season they say In the next game the Royals didn?t have it their way We were subdued... substandard... poor We even relied on Jagielka to score. Away then to Sweden to SK Brann Two nil to The Blues, Big Vic is The Man The second leg, well, it turned into a rout The Swedes, heavily defeated, down and now out. The City of Manchester Stadium today Sven?s men whoop-assed, a majestic display That kind of performance makes you feel proud Makes the away support sing very loud Pompey up next, and its little v large The Yak, an ex-Pompey man, leading the charge Diminutive AJ, hungry for the ball He helped turn the tide from the big to the small. Fiorentina up next, here we go, here we go We ALL know that there?s gonna be a show Except for the team who FAILED to turn up Effectively whimpering out of the UEFA cup. I really looked forward to that European night And I?ve rarely seen us play so shite The only accolades belonged to Tim Howard The rest of the team... a collective coward. The stadium of light was our next port of call But the Mackams didn?t get any luck at all Another 3 points from another one nil For Sunderland this was a bitter pill. The 12th of March, a memorable night The atmosphere gave the visitors a fright We went for the Florence lads right from the start Its nights like these that put strain on your heart. We battered them, yes, we did ourselves proud On a crest of a wave with the noise from the crowd Extra time, and then, the ball placed on the spot My stomach was tied in a gigantic knot. Fiorentina clinically found the onion bag We suffered misses from the Yak and the Jag The crowd were now silent, you could hear a pin drop Our European adventure had come to a stop. To the Cottage next and 3 points most would say But it?s been quite a while since we beat Fulham away Some people say they?re our bogey side And almost inevitably, a goal from McBride. A massive blow to our 4th place hopes The red shite now had us against the ropes If we can?t beat a team from the bottom three What kind of Sky 4 pretenders are we? The Hammers at home, time to attack A wonderful turn and strike from the Yak Dean Ashton rose like a salmon to level We?ll not win a thing while our captain is Neville. The Derby at Anfield, let?s make amends Who says the Blues and the Redshite are friends? Knocked off the ball by Kuyt and the rest Embarrassing to say, but they really were best . The crowd that day was reminiscent of Rome When the Christians found themselves gnawed to the bone A bear pit with so-called fans chanting pure sin If this is what success brings then I?d rather not win. The Capital of culture? On that day? A farce As Jim Royle would put it, succinctly, ?My Arse? We should be ashamed of the things that were said By the Scousers in Blue and the Nordics in red. . Derby County, the worst ever team in the Prem A burden it was, to overcome even them A great pass from Manny for Ossie to net We were rubbish again, this was one to forget. The Brummies at their place? Scotch Rooney? on show How we escaped with a point, I don?t know On this form I don?t know quite were we?ll be left With this hoofball mentality and technique bereft. Played Chelsea on the day that was named after Thor If we were still playing now we still wouldn?t score Its ugly stuff right now from The Blues We?re playing so badly we can?t fail to lose. Martin O?Neill brought the Villains along For the first time in ages The Blues were on song Arteta came on, but what?s happening there? He looks like a player whose mind is elsewhere. Phil Neville played his best game for ages But passion alone doesn?t justify his wages Villa ended the game with strikers galore A bold intent that earned them a draw. A boring game saw a reserved Arsenal Looking like sharing a lacklustre nil ? nil With Yak on the bench it was down to AJ Who was never gunner score in open play. A towering header from Nicholas the Dane Our height in the box had cost us again It allowed the Villains to fight another day This race for fifth was to go all the way. Last day of the season, Come on you Blues We don?t have to win but we mustn?t lose Keegan! Owen! The redshites are back But they proved no match with the Yak in attack. The party begun when Joleon scored Great service from Manny whose skills we adored The crowd started taunting the barcodes and THEN Would you believe it? The ref gave a pen! It?s been a good season, the best for donkey?s years It ended with smiles and allayed all our fears 54 games proved to be a stern test But we?ve earned our title: THE BEST OF THE REST! Reader Comments Note: the following content is not moderated or vetted by the site owners at the time of submission. Comments are the responsibility of the poster. Disclaimer Nilfisk 1 Posted 12/05/2008 at 22:00:18 Report abuse > Away then to Sweden to SK Brann...> The Swedes, heavily defeated, down and now out. Sweden????????????? Come on.... Joe Jennings 2 Posted 12/05/2008 at 22:23:19 Report abuse Fantastic- a great read. Louis Huglin 3 Posted 12/05/2008 at 22:33:11 Report abuse Brilliant! A great read, brought back a few memories from the season that did, and so well written. You really don’t like Phil Neville much, do you! Robert Carney 4 Posted 12/05/2008 at 23:25:28 Report abuse Well done Colin, contributions like this make it such a great site. Jay Harris 5 Posted 12/05/2008 at 23:49:16 Report abuse Colin great one, but must have taken you an hour to type it never mind think about it. Stuart Reid 6 Posted 13/05/2008 at 00:38:24 Report abuse Brilliant. You have far too much time on your hands! Matthew Douglas 7 Posted 13/05/2008 at 01:24:22 Report abuse Fantastic read, cheers Colin. Good thing you threw in that half time haha. Michael Dylan 8 Posted 13/05/2008 at 01:54:26 Report abuse You must be either unemployed or just bored to death. Santosh Benjamin 9 Posted 13/05/2008 at 01:38:10 Report abuse Wonderfully written...really enjoyed it! Colin Grierson 10 Posted 13/05/2008 at 02:28:46 Report abuse I was always shit at geography Nilfisk so consider it amended.Away then to NORWAY to SK BrannTwo nil to The Blues, Big Vic is The ManThe second leg, well, it turned into a routThe NORSEMEN, defeated, down and now out.I take my hat off to the SK fansFor supporting a team of also ransWhen most of their nation on a Friday nightAre boarding a plane to go and watch the Shite.There I’ve add an extra verse in for you mate to make up for my lack of research! Keith Young 11 Posted 13/05/2008 at 05:20:43 Report abuse Colin thanks for the "deliberate" mistakewhich was too much for Nilfisk to take.But if it wasn’t for his readin’ that it shouldn’t be Swedenwe wouldn’t have had the added great rendition!! Colin Grierson 12 Posted 13/05/2008 at 07:00:09 Report abuse Michael, I am fully employed with an active social life and two young kids but I do actually like to read and write rather than watch shite on the telly.You’d be amazed at what you can do if you can be arsed. The busier you are the more you get done mate. Fergus McCarthy 13 Posted 13/05/2008 at 08:45:59 Report abuse ColinDid you marry Eskimo Nell? Ajay Gopal 14 Posted 13/05/2008 at 09:07:05 Report abuse Brilliant !!My personal favourite:Then Drogba scored, but the arrogant prickWas somewhat upstaged by Tim?s overhead kick.Still smiling at that one! Adam Carey 15 Posted 13/05/2008 at 09:35:40 Report abuse Fantastic peom Colin! Bit hard on Pip at times but the best prose I’ve read in ages.I look forward to next season’s ditty! Carl Wright 16 Posted 13/05/2008 at 10:59:38 Report abuse His name is Phil, its only one extra letter and it doesnt make him sound gay or like a dog..... Chris Matheson 17 Posted 13/05/2008 at 08:58:03 Report abuse I can’t wait for the end of next seasonAnd cups or top 4 aren’t the reasonAnother fine work like this I surely can’t missfrom the talented hand of Col GriersonWell done Colin, it was very funny and still made its points well. Lee Hind 18 Posted 13/05/2008 at 12:19:35 Report abuse Its round about now some readers will say?Fuck this for a lark, reading poetry?s gay!?You know who you are; makes no difference to meThere?s bound to be critics with ADHD.Just as I read that I thought "this is going to go on a bit"Nurse, my ADHD medication please... :)Great poem mate, well written. Paul OHanlon 19 Posted 13/05/2008 at 13:06:41 Report abuse No need to buy the 2007/08 DVD now! Top stuff Colin. Michael Hunt 20 Posted 13/05/2008 at 18:36:25 Report abuse Had me smiling broadly throughout and laughing my eye out at times. Priceless. Absolutely brilliant Colin, Cheers! PS. Agree about the telly as well! Tim Lowe 21 Posted 13/05/2008 at 18:45:15 Report abuse I gave up at the ADHD bit The Warrior 22 Posted 13/05/2008 at 21:24:52 Report abuse Brilliant! And all the comments about Neville are spot on; he’s shit. Sean Condon 23 Posted 14/05/2008 at 02:13:07 Report abuse Very nice, Colin. Would?ve been great if you could?ve found a way to put "Clattenburg" and "cunt" in the same stanza. Colin Grierson 24 Posted 14/05/2008 at 05:51:17 Report abuse I really try to avoid the ?c? word Sean but here goes:If referees were a mongrel litterThen who would be the runt?A difficult question to answer I knowBut I?d plum for that Clattenburg cunt!How?s that? David Gallant 25 Posted 14/05/2008 at 07:14:18 Report abuse Colin, your effort effected a grinFuck Chesire. This went from two ears to chinNot only did you manage to memories reviveYou wrought it in skill, with the very best to striveAs a hetero poet who appreciates the craftTo compose such as humorous, factual draftAllow me to say cheers for a cracking readNor least for chastising that odious Swede :)For the riposte that was doled to Michael DylanYou have cemented your post as one in a million!And as for me, back to my reading I shall go To try and feed the mind and the old egoAkin to the Yak I suddenly feel ...Were going places lads, with Moyesie at the wheel!The bug has bitten. Dipee :) Sebastian Heath 26 Posted 14/05/2008 at 07:55:08 Report abuse It was definitely a season of more highs than lowsBut seeing the redshite make fourth; that really blowsFifth ain?t so bad, ?the best of the rest?But now we must rise, to meet a real testSo onto next season, there?s plenty in storeYak, AJ, JV, Timmy and Big Vic - surely goals galore!Jags fumbled early but now looks a starA call up and Wembley bound, tell me maIt?s the best team in ages, it?s looking good yesMemo Leighton Baines: get injured less!But Hibbert is rubbish, Neville spare partsAndy van Der Meyde? He?d rather play dartsThe mythical Fernandes, I reckon he?ll stayYou get the feeling he?ll bloom one dayDon?t let him go Moyesy, or lead a merry danceManny is at Goodison - a freak second chanceWe need reinforcements, and left winger that?s trueA fit Harry Kewell, now that would doI hope signs with us and gets right back on topHe?ll score a 30-yard winner - in front of the Kop!Imagine him celebrating with a cupped hand to his earI?d pay a million quid just to see them leerThey?d hate the sight of that Aussie, all smug in BlueWe?d all be loving it, "You mighty Kangaroo!"I hate seeing those bastards finish above us againLooking out of the window, I wonder ?when???We have to have faith that Moyesy?s our manHe has his detractors, but I?m a real fan Tactically, I think he?s worse than Big RonA defender on, striker off - what?s going on?We?re chasing a goal, we need one quickWhat a crazy sub...is he that thick?But ultimately when I sit back in the pubI feel good, I know he cares for this clubThat?s more than I?ll say for the other fewRedknapp, Big Sam, Souness - it?s the money for youIt?s more than loyalty though, our spirit is realAnd that?s something every Toffee can feelThe Premiership, The Sky 4, It?s all a bit fakeEverton under Moysey? I?d rather our takeThere?s no need for Kirkby; that?s not usThe muppets want our money, they?re full of pussOur club is bigger, stronger and bolder than thatWe?ll rise once again - our fans stick fatAnd I so I urge you to join me, in adding a poemEven just a line, ?We?re Everton, we?ll show ?em!?I?ve enjoyed writing here, thanks for reading all thisThis time next year, maybe AJ won?t missI?m dreaming...wouldn?t it be nice to hold a cup up?Our drought can?t last forever. No. NupI won?t accept it; empty season?s aren?t fineI really can?t wait for May 2009 UEFA Cup, FA Cup or Premiership? Just one, my darlingAhhh, stuff it - I?d even by happy with the CarlingJust a final, just a feeling, it all seems so longSince Rideout popped up and we burst into songThis rhyme is nothing on Col, he is the masterBut mine to read - at least it was faster!I?m looking forward to August, and seeing the boysAnd that man with red hair, our very own Davey Moyes. Kimbo Slice 27 Posted 14/05/2008 at 13:52:03 Report abuse Sebastian H, you absolute fucking belter.You are a typical ’betta blue’, gay name, gay poems, full of shite, insanely jealous of LFC, and haven’t got a fukcing clue about football.Take a bow you massive whopper. Colin Grierson 28 Posted 14/05/2008 at 15:58:15 Report abuse I’m looking forward to August as well Sebastian and I enjoyed your poem but, Harry Kewell !?!?!?!?!?I’m lost for words apart from these four:Over my dead body! Ciaran Byrne 29 Posted 14/05/2008 at 16:09:40 Report abuse Very nicely written Colin, i really must say ,i really did enjoy that , untill the shite got away :-( But keep the faith , at least for one more year, when perhaps you can write one with out any fear !. heres hopeing we finish above them next year, WELL DONE LAD Eoghan McGuire 30 Posted 15/05/2008 at 19:19:45 Report abuse Cracking ode mate. Love it. I really couldn’t round up the season better, never mind in Rhyme. Excellent! Guy McEvoy 31 Posted 15/05/2008 at 22:48:15 Report abuse Far. Too. Much. Time. On. Your. Hands.But respect for using it that well! © ToffeeWeb