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You are NOT going to believe THIS!

By EJ Ruane :  05/08/2009 :  Comments (48) :
I know there are 'grown ups' who at the first hint of a rumour, instantly become all 'oh pur-LEASE!'. Fair enough. After all, 93% of all rumours usually turn our to be total bollocks (nb: figures from The Institute of Completely Invented Statistics).

Me? I'm fine with a good rumour. After all, what will be will be and what.. um won't be (?)... won't be.

A rumour in my opinion rarely changes the course of anything significant. Also the rumour, for me, is VERY human. Like gossip and war, it's just something we can't help.

Of course rumours don't show us at our best... but neither does most of what we do. (eg: producing/watching reality TV, buying Nuts/Zoo, inventing Pot Noodles etc etc)

I am curious though about where they start. I mean if a rumour is completely invented then... who invented it? And (much more importantly), why?

The Joey Barton rumour for instance. It has him linked with us - 'linked' How loose is that? Of course it's possible he COULD play for us (Bernie Wright did!) but I don't believe he ever will, so the rumour bothers me not one jot.

Many of the rumours ToffeeWebbers will be most familiar come in two categories. Odd sex and football transfers.

In the odd sex category, most will have heard the Richard Gere-carboard tube-small rodent story that went worldwide some years ago. And many will have heard the Rod Stewart 3 pints of 'baby-batter' story.

Filming commercials over the years, I heard two beauts from film crews (notorious liars):

A grip told me that Ghurka hero Joanna Lovely had had "That much arse action over the years, she had to have a plastic arse fitted". A PLASTIC ARSE!

Another feller (spark) on a shoot in Australia told me "Michael Caine? Best kept secret in showbiz!" When I asked what the 'secret was' he pulled a kind of Larry Grayson "look at the muck in 'ere" expression"

Both of these rumours had me falling about laughing and I believed not half a percent of either was true (despite both rumour-mongers stating "It's a well-known fact!"). Neither tale bothered me though and both provided me with a laugh.

With that in mind, I have decided to invent one. One that has no basis in anything at all. I will tell you all and ask you to spread it. The point? Just an experiment to see how long it takes until someone pulls you/me aside and says...

"..Know when Ken Loach made The Golden Vision? Well apparently Shankly tried to persuade him to make the film about Liverpool but Loach wouldn't have it — said Everton were the bigger side. After that Shankly always hated Loach. In fact when the film Kes came out, Shankly told anyone who would listen that it was shite and "amateurish in the extreme" — he hated Loach til the day he died apparently"

Go!

Reader Comments

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Michael Kenrick
Editorial Team
1   Posted 05/08/2009 at 22:37:37

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Nice job as ever, EJ. Two problems, however, come to mind:

1) You can’t tell anyone you’re inventing a rumour. That’s just never gonna work.

2) Your rumour is not contemporary. How ever juicy, it lacks immediacy and will not flourish.

Now... have you heard about Anichebe’s gambling debts? Thought not.
Aodhan O'Faolain
2   Posted 05/08/2009 at 22:50:21

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better still, how about that Liverpool city council in order to ensure that the city will be a world cup venue has a plan to buy out RS’sinterest in their new proposed stadium and build a 80,000 all seater arena which will be shared by both EFC and satan’s spawn.

The stadium will be built with public money and the clubs will sell their old grounds for modern public housing.................now thats a rumour.......

How journalist make a story out of that is they ring up somebody say they have heard this beeing brandied about and await the offical denial.

"City Clubs deny ground share plan."
August is silly season so something must be done to sell papers.
Eugene Ruane
3   Posted 05/08/2009 at 23:02:04

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What!? Anichibe’s gay!!? Jesus! I knew he liked a bevvy but i didn’t know he was sleeping with Arteta’s missus!! I’m finished with him! Taking performance enhancing drugs is one thing, but cocaine as well!!?
Stephen Graham
4   Posted 05/08/2009 at 23:13:44

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Real Madrid have approached Everton about taking both Leon Osman and Tony Hibbert for a two week trial.
David Buck
5   Posted 05/08/2009 at 23:25:20

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Everton sign a top class player within 24 hrs of interest being confirmed!
Jimmy Hacking
6   Posted 05/08/2009 at 23:29:31

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Of course it’s pure coincidence that Michael Jackson took his "Bad" Tour to Sao Paulo exactly nine months before Jo was born...
Brian Williams
7   Posted 05/08/2009 at 23:52:37

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I don’t believe it!
Chad Schofield
8   Posted 06/08/2009 at 00:28:08

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What!!! Joanna Lumley’s trying to persuade The Fat Spanish Waiter to donate his goatee so she can have an authentic anal beard?
John Roberts
9   Posted 06/08/2009 at 00:33:06

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Bill Kenwright is actively seeking investors for the club!
Matt Traynor
10   Posted 06/08/2009 at 00:52:03

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John Roberts - take a prize!

Rumours are the lifeblood for most fans. But apparently, if you can’t name your source, then it’s bad...

I don’t do rumours for that reason, though I’m sure I just saw Moutihno in Everton 2 at Liverpool 1....
Andy Morden
11   Posted 06/08/2009 at 01:00:44

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As a result of his frequent temperamental outbursts on ToffeeWeb, Tony Marsh has been attending anger management classes. One of his classmates is Joey Barton. The former has exclusively revealed the latter will be signing for Everton by the end of the week!
Derek Thomas
12   Posted 06/08/2009 at 06:57:47

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EJ Just put it on wikipedia, it must be true then.

I just googled ’ EJ Ruane’s shankly rumour and got a link... ’ and so it begins ’.

It was Churchill who said ’ I don’t believe any statistics I haven’t made up myself. ’

Consider my hat doffed to a true genius, but you must promise to use your powers for good, or just to wind up the misery gutses which ever is easier.
Neil Humphrey
13   Posted 06/08/2009 at 07:11:01

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I can confirm the Lumley plastic arse rumour. I co-manage a ’prosthetic anus’ (to give it its proper name) manufacturing company and she has is one of our biggest customers. She goes through about 6 a week.
Lee Smith
14   Posted 06/08/2009 at 07:50:37

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Great article as always EJ, I enjoy an early morning chuckle! I had heard of the Richard Gere rumour, but the Joanna Lumley one?! Turns out it is a massive rumour, it even has 2 Facebook groups dedicated to it!

Talking of rumours, here’s one from a few years back....I doubt anyone will remember, but about 7 years ago, while at Ipswich Town, Marcus Stewart was walking around displaying a massive black eye, official story at the time from the club was that he was involved in a ’training ground incident’. Well my old man used to play golf with the then Ipswich Town physio, and my dad swears blind that the physio told him that club captain Matty Holland had found out that Stewart was fucking his missus, hence black eye! Weeks later, Stewart was sold to Sunderland.
Alan Clarke
15   Posted 06/08/2009 at 08:19:19

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Joey Barton was spotted eating at a well known vegetarian retaurant in Liverpool City Centre with a man who looked suspiciously like Bill Kenwright and a man who had an A4 file and a pin stripe suit (I imagine his agent). I’m not aying his signing for us like but that is definite proof that he is.
Alan Clarke
16   Posted 06/08/2009 at 08:29:18

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Here’s a true one tho:

My auntie is a season ticket holder at Tranmere and was shocked by Ronnie Moore’s sacking at the end of last season escpecially after only just missing the play offs by a last minute Scunthorpe goal. None of the Tranmere fans could work out why he was sacked especially now that dickhead John Barnes has been put in his place.

Alledgedly, I heard through a friend of a friend’s grapevine, Ronnie, the dirty old dog, was shagging his son, Ian’s, wife. For those who don’t know, Ian plays up front forTranmere. I would love to be round theirs this Christmas!
Ciarán McGlone
17   Posted 06/08/2009 at 08:35:17

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Brilliant EJ,

Nothing like a good festival rumour to spread around - they usual involve jeremy beadle, a death or Terry wogan falling off the stena line.
Nick Flack
18   Posted 06/08/2009 at 08:41:26

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I went into my local pub once and told them I’d seen it in Moyesies Programme notes that we had signed Paul Scholes. (I worked for the printers who published it so obviously saw them early).
I then bet my mate a tenner the rumour would work it’s way back to me by the end of the night.

Guy Hastings
19   Posted 06/08/2009 at 09:07:08

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First lines of Henry IV pt II: ’Open your ears; for which of you will stop the vent of hearing when loud Rumour speaks?’ Mind you, I heard that Kit Marlowe was shagging Bill Shakespeare’s missus. But then, if they were one and the same, as some conspiracy theaorists have it, that would make sense... I rather like the Shearer rumour of how he allegedly clocked a winger and had said winger (Gillespie?) out of NUFC on the first bus for remarking on Big Al’s receding hairline.
Richard Dodd
20   Posted 06/08/2009 at 09:08:56

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Just to let you into a real secret,Tony Marsh and I are in serious talks with Bill Kenwright to make a joint purchase of his holding.If successful , we plan to appoint Joe Kinnear as manager with immediate effect.Agent Johnson is acting as our adviser on the deal and Keith Windass will return as CEO.
You gotta believe it!
Ciarán McGlone
21   Posted 06/08/2009 at 09:20:31

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Noel Edmund’s beard has opened a bakery in bolton!

No shit!
Kevin Jones
22   Posted 06/08/2009 at 09:28:17

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Quote from the Genius that is Bob Dylan, from his song Restless Farewell. I actually met Bob once at a roadside diner Down on Highway 61

"Oh a false clock tries to tick out my time
To disgrace, distract, and bother me.
And the dirt of gossip blows into my face,
And the dust of rumors covers me.
But if the arrow is straight
And the point is slick,
It can pierce through dust no matter how thick.
So I’ll make my stand
And remain as I am
And bid farewell and not give a damn.



As I said earlier genius
Dave Lynch
23   Posted 06/08/2009 at 09:36:34

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Your all lying bastards ! The lot of you.
Ps. Have it good authority that Requelmi is at Speke airport as we speak.
Ciarán McGlone
24   Posted 06/08/2009 at 09:38:35

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Apparently [leaning over garden fence]....Bobby Zimmerman’s songs were all written by the guy who played big bird in sesame street!

I kid you not!
Dave Wilson
25   Posted 06/08/2009 at 10:09:59

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Apparently, Dave Moyes is adamant Bob Dylans going nowhere
Steve Pugh
26   Posted 06/08/2009 at 10:27:40

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I was talking to a friend, whose auntie has a parrot who was bought from the shop of a Man City fan, and he swears blind that if DM agrees to sell JL, Arteta and Cahill to Shitteh, then he will be made manager in January when they sack Hughes.
Shaun Brennan
27   Posted 06/08/2009 at 12:09:06

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I heard that Rocky was actually a Evertonian and not some gimmick?
Erik Dols
28   Posted 06/08/2009 at 12:22:39

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I have it on good authority that selling Lescott to City will be like a whole new signing!
Dave Lynch
29   Posted 06/08/2009 at 12:39:10

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Hanging onto Bob Dylan will be like a new signing.
Anyone got any news on the iminent arrival of Messi.
Marcus Dawson
30   Posted 06/08/2009 at 13:02:34

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That Joanna Lumley one is interesting, always thought the ’ghurka’ campaign had an ulterior motive.
Michael Evans
31   Posted 06/08/2009 at 13:02:17

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E J - While others are busy slagging off BK et al, taking themselves VERY seriously and launching vitriolic, tedious attacks on fellow fans who DARE to have an opposing view, YOU ... make us laugh.

Thanks mate.
Kevin Jones
32   Posted 06/08/2009 at 13:24:54

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What a bombshell, Joanne Lumley has " A Plastic arse" which just happens to be an anagram for "A special star", and if she does that much Ghurkan she really is a special star.

P.S. Wasn’t Ghurkan a song by Chas & Dave ?
Dave Lynch
33   Posted 06/08/2009 at 14:22:33

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Kev.
Don’t know about Ghurkan.
Are you sure you don’t mean snooker loopy ?
That was a song by the two cockernee chirpsters.
Kevin Jones
34   Posted 06/08/2009 at 14:28:17

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Sorry Dave of course, wasn’t there something in it about pottin the brown ?
Marcus Dawson
35   Posted 06/08/2009 at 15:31:41

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Lads, you’re thinking of ’’Ghercha’’, cockney for get your, as in: ’ Joanna gertcha plastic arse up the apples (and pears) and make sure there’s no Barry (White) on it, my Redknap’s (cock) fit to burst’.
Victor Johnson
36   Posted 06/08/2009 at 17:17:53

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Joanna Lumley is set to resurrect her acting career in Ken Loach’s new Western ’Who Damaged the Sheriff(’s) Badge?’, alongside the equally resurrected Rock Hudson.
Dennis Stevens
37   Posted 06/08/2009 at 18:17:41

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You should be ashamed of yourself, EJ - surely Pot Noodles stand as one of mankind’s greatest achievements!
Stephen Graham
38   Posted 06/08/2009 at 18:11:33

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Joanna Lumley, the Gurkhas, and Noel Edmond’s beard, and Bob Dylan are scripting an offer to buy out BK’s Everton shares. It says so on the Gurkha home page: काठमाण्डूको जग्गा कारोबारमा अत्यधिक व्यस्त रहने डिल्लीबजारस्थित मालपोत कार्यालयले यस वर्षलाई तोकिएको एक अर्ब रुपियाँभन्दा बढिको राजस्व लक्ष्य प्राप्त गरिसकेको छ।
Pablo Mc
39   Posted 06/08/2009 at 18:26:57

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Members of The People’s Forum will probably remember one of our members a few years ago not only starting a rumour about the former goalkeeper Steve Ogrizovic being kidnapped in Kazhakstan but he also INVENTED an Austrian footballer called Ernest Gund (even creating a website for him) and then started spreading rumours about him being on trial at several clubs, including Charlton and Leeds.

Links below :)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steve_Ogrizovic#Kidnapping_Hoax

http://www.wsc.co.uk/content/view/2369/29/
Gavin Ramejkis
40   Posted 06/08/2009 at 19:20:46

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Funniest one I have read today is on one of the Arsenal forums, reckons we don’t want to sell to city so Lescott is going to Arsenal for Senderos plus cash they are just working out how much cash. Regarding Senderos, even the Arsenal fans are glad to see the back of him and don’t care if it was Milan or anyone else that took him, he couldn’t even get a full season at Milan playing only 15 games.
Tony Williams
41   Posted 06/08/2009 at 20:58:55

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Gavin, wasn’t he injured for a while?

I could be wrong, as this may just be a rumour started on the tinterweb!
Ray Robinson
42   Posted 06/08/2009 at 22:47:30

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A consortium headed by Mick Fleetwood, Stevie Nicks, Lindsey Buckingham and John McVie was interested in investing in Everton apparently.....

Kenwright allegedly responded that it was all dreams and told them to go their own way.
Gavin Ramejkis
43   Posted 07/08/2009 at 07:48:03

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Everton will sell a player for less than their worth with half an hour to go of the transfer window and claim they had to let them go and were left with no time to buy a replacement........ oh shit that’s what did happen.

Everton and at least one of it’s sycophants will use twaddle like "players we wanted were not available", "the manager will wait until the January transfer window" and "keeping his powder dry".......... oh shit that’s another one which did happen.

Oh well, I’ll stick by the rumour fuck all new players of any note will be signed, do I win a coconut?
Matthew Mackey
44   Posted 07/08/2009 at 08:42:21

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So where do you get a plastic arse from then? Do they come in different sizes?
Matthew Mackey
45   Posted 07/08/2009 at 08:43:48

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Here’s my rumour. Lescott ain’t going to Citeh, he’s going to the Manure. Think about it.

1) Ferdinand is becoming very injury prone, some would say a liability.
2) Vidic wants to leave and go abroad coz his missus can’t settle in sunny England.
3) Lescott claims that by moving away from us to the trash with cash that it would improve his chances of getting on the plane for South Africa next summer.
4) Ferguson is steaming inside still over the trash with cash taking Tevez and then taunting him with those Teves posters
5) He’s got wads of cash to spend still after the sale of Ronaldo and it’s burning a hole in his pocket.
6) So he’s planning another last minute hijack of a City target just like he did last year with Berbatov. (remember he signed him with about 15 minutes before the transfer window closed)
7) So what better way for Ferguson to get one over his City rivals than to pinch Lescott from under their noses.
8) JLo then gets his wish plus more, for now he’s earning mega bucks AND playing champions league football (as assured guarantee that he’ll be on the plane to South Africa.
9) And just for good measure, Ferguson gives us £30 million coz he likes us!

So there’s a rumour I hope goes nowhere coz I don’t want the lad to go.
Stephen Kenny
46   Posted 07/08/2009 at 10:13:58

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Which one of you is the fella out of the goodison supper bar?
Nick Thomas
47   Posted 07/08/2009 at 10:12:45

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On the subject of rumours, it's nailed on that lescott is going to City — and here's why!!

I always like to read a certain rumour page in a morning, and over the last week, the following "facts /rumours" — hey there nearly the same thing — have stated.
A Bentley (sorry guy didnt get the model) -was seen on the M56 with the reg plate LE55COT - it's not quite how you spell it i thought but hey.

And then there's the ever so proffessional estate agent who blabbed to his best mate's cousin's girlfriend that they were looking for a house for Lescott in Manchester (as opposed to the house that he’s already got in manchester!!) — based on the fact that he’s moving down the road, and there's someone driving a car in the northwest with a number plate similar to Roger's surname...

I love silly season - dont you!!.
But here's one for you: Churchill the dog's just been seen in Paris with Melanie Sykes

Joeynkoo Ludden
48   Posted 07/08/2009 at 20:17:10

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Serious over use of paragraphs...

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