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Season 2011-12
The Mail Bag

Techniques of the Cheat

 4 Comments: First  |  Last

Some teams cheat and reap the benefits. Some teams don?t and suffer.

We know how cheating ruined our day when Paolo Di Canio was provoked into this response after his player remained on his feet despite being clipped:

"From now on I will tell my players to dive anywhere on the pitch and not to be fair and not to be sporting but to simulate."

If you can?t beat them, join them. Thought I?d start a How-To Guide for Moyes to hand out to his players. These are techniques for cheating, endorsed by players and referees alike. Forget running the channels or picking up the second ball... you know, football stuff. This is what really wins matches. Please add to the list.

The Ouchy Ouchy

Football is a funny old game and some players still rely on an antiquated technique called a tackle. If a tackle is executed with a slide, this is an ideal opportunity to go to ground. Must be complimented by holding the ankle with one hand, and flapping the other about in an attempt to signal the bench. Probable free kick, possible card of either colour. Guaranteed to ruin derby matches.

The Professional?s Professional Foul

A player running through on goal with defender in pursuit will go to floor when inside the penalty box under the presumption the defender has clipped his ankles. Definite penalty, likely red card.

The Professional?s Professional Foul with Twist.

A player running through on goal with defender in pursuit will go to floor when inside the penalty box. But this time jinks across the path of the on rushing defender leaving him no room to avoid making contact. This is a cleaner version of the PPF allowing more ambiguity when replayed on television. Definite penalty, probable red card.

The ?Keeper Seduction

A striker running towards goal will show just enough of the ball to allow the goalkeeper to come out and challenge. At point of challenge the striker will push the ball away from the goalkeeper and without desire to retain possession will ?wait? for contact and go to floor. Guaranteed penalty, possible red card.

The Twist and Shout

Attempted in attacking areas, a player receiving the ball with an opposition player marking closely will allow the ball to run across him. Opening up his body he will ?turn? the defender and use the player?s proximity to go to floor. Great opportunity to hold ankle and feign injury. Definite free-kick and potential for yellow cards.

The Tug and Drop

In and around the penalty box, referees are advised to identify shirt pulling by a player?s shirt becoming stretched. Regardless of force exerted on the player, this is an ideal opportunity to go to floor for any discerning forward. The referee?s hands are tied and free kick or penalty must be awarded. Yellow card offence.

The Durex Moment

Goalkeepers, you too have your potential to cheat. During the season you will find yourself challenging for a high ball by positioning yourself within a group of players. Some of which may have the ability to beat you to the ball, but don?t worry, this is not your fault. A legitimate attempt at your goal can be ruled out by going to ground. You, after all, have protection.
Nick Entwistle, London     Posted 02/10/2011 at 10:56:30

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Brian Waring
1   Posted 02/10/2011 at 19:51:33

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Whilst were not known for it Nick, I remember a certain defender in our ranks, not so long ago, taking a dive that would have got him in the olympic diving team.

Also,Arteta used to go down at the slightest touch also.
Glen Anderson
2   Posted 02/10/2011 at 21:18:43

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Pretty sure this is aimed at a certain Uruguayan striker who plays for our neighbours,

I do agree with Brian somewhat, and every team has had at least one player at some stage who is guilty of some of the above 'simulations.'

However, I do have to say Suarez's dives and the way he "makes the most" out of every tackle takes "simulating" to an extreme and it is this constant playacting that makes my blood boil. I cannot respect players who constantly dive and cheat their way to victory.

Atkinson was awful yesterday but I feel that his poor decision making was helped a little by Suarez jumping, falling and writing around on the floor. No way would I want any Everton player to do the same on a regular basis.
Craig Walker
3   Posted 03/10/2011 at 12:42:38

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It'll be interesting to see the teamsheet for the next game. Do you think King Kenny will bring back Gerard or do you think he'll stick with a midfield of Adam, Downing, Lucas, Kuyt and Atkinson?
Andy Crooks
4   Posted 03/10/2011 at 19:25:43

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Nick, a good post that should be printed and given to every referee.

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