Burnley 1 - 0 Everton

Half-time: 1 - 0

Although Gerrard was in goal, he wasn't really to blame for the solitary goal from Alan Lee just before half-time which comprised the scoring.  The second half was brighter for Everton after the introduction of 5 subs, including Nick Barmby, Francis Jeffers and Kevin Campbell, but Everton still could not score. 

If you haven't been to Burnley for a few years then the ground will impress, obviously a club spurred on by ambition, driven by their rivalry with Blackburn. I'm sure their time will come again.

Anyway, a very reserves-looking Everton trotted out. The starting line up was a 5-3-2 thing, with Phelan and Ward out wide; Dunne, Gough and Weir the mainstay of defence; Degn, Collins, and Gemmill playmaking; and the devastating attacking duo of Jevons and Cadamarteri.

First Half

First half was a real pre-season jaunt with players from both teams looking like they hadn't been introduced. Our best chance came very early on when Jevons blasted a banana curler at the top right-hand corner from thirty yards. If it didn't have the banana bit it would've gone in. Phelan also hit the crossbar with a cross-cum-shot, Cadamarteri would've had a few good chances if he improved his first touch which was akin to a pregnant, knee-capped horse.

Burnley passed the ball around marginally better, and as the game wore on gained the confidence to run at our men. The goal wasn't a surprise when it came – a very well whipped-in low ball beat our defence and just needed a touch at the back post to put it in the net. Can't really attribute blame to anyone in the box as the ball played in was so good; any fault must lie with whoever was supposed to be picking up the crosser.

Second Half

Only change after the break was Ball for Phelan. Ball was playing very far forward and I did wonder if we'd switched to 4-4-2. By the end of the game I was none the wiser.

Second half was pretty much a repeat of the first and we looked like adding nothing until our mass substitution. On came Barmby and Unsworth, Jeffers and Cambell. Suddenly Everton went up a gear and for the last ten minutes or so the game approached (though never reached) very mild excitement.

Unsworth was playing in an Advanced midfield role. Now there is a sight to scare children. Barmby looked like he was on speed, he stole the ball three times from Burnley players before they even realised he was within ten yards. Cambell and Jeffers looked about a thousand more times likely to score than the strikers they'd replaced.

The enthusiasm of the new boys did have one downside when Barmby and Jeffers had a handbags at dawn effort in the box. Jeffers queried why Barmby 'tosser' had shot instead of passed and sulked away. Barmby went after him finger wagging.

Our big push forward gave Burnley the chance to counter and they should've doubled their lead had their forwards had any bottle. They scooped it over from about five yards and brought a good one-on-one save from Gerrard.

By the time the final whistle went, I'd seen enough to convince me not to go to Rotherham.

Some final thoughts;

• Gough did look like a Watson – alternate them each week and we'll be right;
• Dunne looks in great shape;
• Cadamarteri – where has it all gone wrong?
• Barmby – more like that;
• Gemmill – more like that;
• Collins – was holding the ball up looking for the runner before releasing it (like midfielders should) – thing was, I thought Gemmill did the same role better, also JC made some schoolboy errors put that down to lack of match practice.

Suffice to say, they scored, hit the bar, missed a couple of one on ones, had a handball penalty decision go against them and a dodgy offside decision. We, on the other hand, didn't.

A few points though: We never looked like scoring; Jevons really did not want to play; Gerrard looked good, apart from 2 minor screwups; Cadamarteri is on a par with Branch in front of goal.

Dispite what people say about Collins, today he really seemed into it. He played a captains style role, encouraging everyone and always making himself availible. He does make some mistakes, but he suffers from Barmby sydrome – people get disappointed because he isn't the world class we expected.

Ball has forgotten that its his job to make sure right winger doesn't have 50 yards of space. It must have happened at least 4 times (I mean literally 50 yards BTW). Gerrard saves Balls blushes a couple of times.

I didn't realise for 25 minutes that Barmby wasn't playing – Degn looks exactly the same to me from a distance (same build).

Ball and Jeffers spent most of their time warming up in the first half taking the piss out of Alan Shearers goal celebration (seriously, I was 10 yards away).

Burnley broke the world record for subsitutions.  They had 10 subs available, 6 were used, and in the end they started putting back the first team players who themselves had been subbed. All were done one at a time, a couple of minutes apart, to waste time I guess. Thank God the ref didn't add the time on, we'd still be there now...

• Gerrard 7 - I never thought I'd say this, but I want Myhre back. Gerrard is a good stopgap it seems though.
• Phelan 6 - Anonymous
• Dunne 7 - Bonus point for seemingly losing weight, and for playing in the proper position.
• Gough 9 - And 3 whole years younger than Davey Watson, I believe! A class act.
• Weir 6 - Anonymous mark II.
• Ward 6½ - Not really anonymous, but didn't do much more than Phelan.
• Collins 8 - A few lapses, but did some work this time.
• Degn 7 - He looked just like Barmby does on an average day.
• Gemmill 7 - One great pass, but see Phelan for the rest.
• Jevons 4 - Did anyone see him play against Blackburn (if you actually noticed him that day)? More of the same. He has never shown me anything that says he will cut it at this level.
• Cadamarteri 5 - Ran and ran... mainly up his own backside. Add a couple of misses Stuart Barlow would have been proud of, and you have a typical Danny game.
• Ball 5 - A shadow of the former player. Didn't seem to be bothered.
• Short 6 - Didn't do much – that's not so much his fault, as we attacked more after the quintuple substitution.
• Campbell & Jeffers 7 - Still bugger all service for them, and they tried hard. Didn't actually do much.
• Barmby 7 - The real Barmby did look better than the evil doppleganger that goes round fooling innocent fans. Again, he didn't get much successfully done though.
• Unsworth 6 - I am going to kill the bugger if he doesn't stop attacking. Davey, the Toon goal was a fluke, so stop trying to repeat it (he virtually missed the ball completely from 15 yards in what was probably our best chance of the second half)