Fans Comment
Sam Morrison

 Haircuts must guide Moyes
25 November 2004

Stubbsy: Hair by Mum

I’m nervous about January – for several reasons.  Firstly, there’s the funds that are yet to materialise.  I’ve defended Kenwright in the past but, if the AGM doesn’t confirm his promises, I’ll apologise unreservedly my past misdemeanours, and disown previous articles.  And eat my hat.  Secondly, how much will Moyes have for the team?  Thirdly, I wish the media would fucking shut up about how Everton “will have money to spend” in January.  Every mention it gets forces the price on Scott Parker up another quarter-million.

Which brings me to my final worry – who Moyes brings in.  A great deal has been made this season about Everton’s team spirit and workrate, and rightly so.  Some have suggested Rooney’s exit has galvanised the team – I couldn’t say.  Either way we’re in a situation where if we can keep momentum for another month, we’ll enter the new year (and the transfer window) with a real shot at Europe.

What worries me is that some of the players touted for a move to Goodison (James Beattie, Scott Parker) are players who have agitated for a move from clubs they have seen as too small for them.  Now in itself there’s nothing wrong with ambition.  You could argue that it’s a good thing to have in a player (let’s leave Rooney out of this equation).  But what happens when personal ambition outweighs the ambition of the team – the club, in fact?  I’ll tell you.  You get someone like Pierre van Hooijdonk.  The Hooijdonk factor can be spotted in other players to a lesser degree.  Mark Viduka not accepting that more money most of us earn in a year per-week was enough for a player of his stature.  Nicolas Anelka demanding instant selection for the national team.  Nick Barmby saying "Thanks, I’m off!"

How can we be sure that we don’t bring any of these players to the club?  In this season where workrate and team spirit has been so pivotal?  Well, I hate to come over like the Daily Mail psychologist, but a lot can be told about a person’s inner self by their physical appearance.  I’m not talking about genetic make-up.  I’m talking about haircuts.

Let’s take a look at the haircuts in the Everton side.  Starting at the back we’ve got Nigel, Alan, David, Tony and Alessandro.  Good honest cuts, in Alan’s case possibly done by his mum.  Pistone might be slightly more stylish but he’s Italian and to them he probably looks like a Neanderthal oaf.  Midfield – Osman keeps it short and simple.  Tim Cahill I think uses Brylcreem, which despite the efforts of David Beckham remains inexorably tied to men in sepia tinted pictures looking workmanlike and tough.  Carsley and Gravesen dispense with hair altogether, possibly reasoning that it’s slightly effeminate.  Kevin Kilbane has hair, but is it a haircut?  I’d say no.

Only Marcus Bent makes a nod in the direction of what I believe they call ‘cred’ with some wiggly lines shaved into his hair.  However, I think his effort on the pitch makes him an exception to the "poncey hairdo — suspect ego" rule.

Now, how about those prospective signings?  The ones that keep coming up are Parker and Beattie.  Let’s start with Parker.  Unimaginative, bland brown it may be, but it’s most definitely styled.  That little rump above his forehead just cannot occur naturally.  I know there’s a similarity with Cahill but, for the purposes of my argument, I’m assuming that our Tim, rugged antipodean that he is, simply smacks his hair down roughly in the morning, whereas Scott spends a few minutes coiffing in front of the mirror...  Then, when everything’s just-so, sprays it.

Beattie you could look at and think he’s been dragged through a hedge backwards, albeit a hedge with highlighting properties.  But no.  Having worked in Shoreditch for two years, I can tell you that people spend HOURS making their hair look messy.  James is a bit of a boy and I don’t think he does it himself.  More likely his girlfriend does it on matchdays and in-between he wears a baseball cap.  Or maybe he has a stylist.  Either way, this studied insouciance is not what we want in our rough-and-tumble team.  What we want is someone not afraid to go sliding mullet-first through the mud to connect with a mis-hit shot by Marcus (away to Grimsby in December etc).

Maybe David Moyes sees something in these people that I can’t, or he believes he can entice them to get their hair cut wherever Stubbsy does.  I sincerely hope so.  It’s keeping me awake nights.  Personally, I think we should make our number one target Owen Hargreaves – hardworking, talented midfielder with a European Cup under his belt.  And hair like an old mop.

Sam  Morrison

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