Colm Kavanagh has quite clearly gone stark raving loony! But it makes for a great read.
How The League Was Won!
After a summer of wild speculation, but few signings, David Moyes starts his second full season as manager of Everton Football Club. The 2003-04 season begins in bouyant fashion as Everton Football Club celebrate a great landmark — it is official: monies have been ring fenced for a party in The Netley to celebrate 125 years of unparalleled over- and under-achievement. Plans are already in place to find some new old boys to do a lap of Goodison at half time, as punters burn the gobs off themselves with industrially heated scouse pies at the snack bars...
Opening day and a quick return to Highbury to face a determined Arsenal side, still smarting from last season's late capitulation in the Premiership race. Everton, fully fit (bar the absent Duncan Ferguson) travel to the capital determined to keep their early season unbeaten run intact. Arsenal, though, have injury problems. Martin Keown is absent, cruising the Islington bars with Tony Adams. Patrick Vieira is also an absentee after picking up an injury while playing with France in the Confederation Cup. His replacement, Harry Kewell, is nowhere to be seen — apparently, he was spotted with Tony Adams in some pub around Earls Court earlier in the day. Arsène Wenger, clearly unhappy, says, "I did not see him". If things aren't bad enough, a crisis befalls their keepers. Stuart Taylor hurt his knee tripping over a keg of Heineken at Tony Adams' house, sometime on Friday morning, so Arsenal were left with little choice but to opt for the experience of Bob Wilson. Espen Baardsen was reportedly unavailable due to a prior engagement with David Icke somewhere in French Guyana.
Red Ref Alan Wiley hands Arsenal an early opportunity with a 5th-minute penalty, after Francis Jeffers was tripped by Thomas Gravesen just inside the Everton half. Thierry Henry, mindful of the upcoming Rugby World Cup, blasted over the bar. Three points for France, perhaps; none for Arsenal! Wayne Rooney, already branded the new Ian Wright, opens his account for the season but the travelling army of Evertonians aren't singing for long as Jeffers atones for Henry's error after a textbook one-two with the absent minded Kevin Campbell. Honours even at the end of the day.
Meanwhile, David Beckham denies the press stories linking him with a move to buy a villa. "So long as Doug Ellis remains at Aston Villa I can't see him selling", says the exiled England captain.
Fulham, now managed by yer man from Aerosmith, earn the distinction of being the first visitors to Goodison Park this term. Inside 27 seconds, David Unsworth beats Richard Wright with a deft flick... 1-0 to the visitors. Just on half time, Wright makes a clanger with a harmless looking cross from young Fulham debutant, Sean Doherty. Dazzled by the glare of the sun, Wright catches the ball but jumps too high. He comes crashing down through the crossbar, losing the ball in the process. With Wright lying prostrate on the ground, new Fulham signing Paulo di Canio slots home to make it 2-0 to the visitors.
Wright is stretchered off; replaced by Paul Gerrard whose 37th attempt to join Ipswich Town was aborted earlier in the week. David Moyes smashes a few teacups at half-time as Everton come roaring back early into the second half. Unsworth redeems himself with a well-placed penalty low into the right corner. Tomasz Radzinski, sorely missed towards the end of last season, levels matter after a superb one-two with Kevin Campbell.
A tetchy affair is decided in injury time when Wayne Rooney runs on to a perfectly weighted ball from Unsworth. He volleys home from 20 yards with such ferocity that the ball actually blazes through the Park End net and lands in nearby Anfield, breaking the nose of Phil Thompson, who was polishing his medals in front of the Liverpool reserve side. Evertonian joy is dampened with the news that Richard Wright will be sidelined for weeks to come with a bad shoulder injury. David Moyes suggests he recuperates at his parent's house in Suffolk.
Meanwhile, David and Victoria Beckham reveal their excitement in learning to speak basic Spanish, "this Sesame Street programme is so educational" reveals the exiled England captain. "We now know how to say house is Spanish — casa".
Four points from the opening six available see Everton returning to the capital with plenty of confidence, and an unfit Duncan Ferguson — reportedly now only two weeks away from full fitness. The Valley has always proven to be a hard place to claim three points and Everton have cause for concern when Jeff Winter, freshly tanned after a vacation in sunny Durham, sends David Moyes from the dugout for an arm raised. Moments later, he awards a penalty to Charlton for no apparent reason. A neat one-two between Paul Gerrard and Kevin Campbell prevents Charlton from taking an early lead.
The official Everton website crashes as Desktop Davey reacts violently to the news from the Valley. Everton, thanks to a goal from Wayne Rooney (a neat one-two with Kevin Campbell) survive an onslaught from the home side and move into second place in the Premiership, six points ahead of their Mersey neighbours Liverpool who have made their worst ever start to a season.
Meanwhile, David and Victoria Beckham survive a scare after a visit to Pamplona. Bedecked Becks in an old Manchester United shirt (for old times sake), clearly shaken, told the assorted media, "this cow with horns came charging at me... and Victoria. It was so frightening."
The first meeting of the Mersey giants this season, at Goodison, sees high-flying Everton entertain their struggling neighbours from across Stanley Park. Everton storm into an early lead, after a neat one-two between Radzinski and Campbell, the latter opening the scoring. Wayne Rooney adds to Liverpudlian woe with a brace before half-time. Goodison Park, now buoyant witnesses the amazing sight of Jerzy Dudek and Steven Gerrard coming to blows. After two mandatory counts, Dudek's tactic of using gloves instead of Gerrard's "withdrawing studs" pays dividends. Gerard is sent off. Liverpool are down to ten men, nine if you count Djimi Traore. Rooney completes a wonderful hat-trick before being substituted — the easiest 4-0 win seen for years. The Liverpool Echo goes berserk. Chris Bascombe has a cardiac. Everton announce plans to add some nice portakabins to the Youth Academy.
Concern for Wayne Rooney, though, as he limped off (with the match ball) 4 minutes from the end of the derby. It looks bad. Moyes duly withdraws Rooney from the England squads to face Macedonia and Liechtenstein. The FA call in the World Health Organisation for an independent assessment.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Spain, David Beckham finds Portugal by car. "When I played in England we had to get a plane to Portugal. With the help of a map, Victoria and I found it at the end of a road. Everything is so different on the continent. It's like living in a foreign country."
Thomas Gravesen is the talk of the town as Everton face Newcastle United. His midweek goal fest for Denmark where he scored a record 15 goals from midfield sees interest in his services intensify. Real Madrid deny growing rumours of a sensational player swap: David Beckham rumoured to be unhappy at Madrid and Goodison-bound? Within 5 minutes though, Gravesen is on his way to Walton Hospital after a "mistimed" challenge from Olivier Bernard.
Alan Shearer scores a sensational volley to silence the home fans but a neat one-two between Tomasz Radzinski and Kevin Campbell sees Super Kev continuing his amazing goal-scoring run against the Magpies. Late in the game, Newcastle find themselves harshly punished by referee Clive Thomas (returned from retirement) who saw fit to grant the home side a penalty after witnessing the shocking sight of adult males removing their shirts to reveal various breast sizes and appalling Toon tats. Unsworth coolly slots home the penalty with Wayne Rooney adding some injury-time insurance. 3-1 to the home side and Bobby Robson foaming at the mouth afterwards.
Meanwhile, over in Spain, David Beckham is quick to quash rumours of a shock return to English football: "I am happy to remain in Spain for the foreseeable future. We're watching as much Sesame Street as we can and it has always been my dream to play here since coming to see Barcelona when Terry Venables was manager."
Everton suffer the first setback of the season with the game at Middlesbrough being postponed due to industrial pollution in the North East. A date has yet to be finalised for the re-arranged game. Liverpool's poor run continues when held at home by newly promoted Leicester City. Houllier receives the dreaded vote of confidence.
A favourable home draw in the League Cup sees the Blues entertaining Northampton Town. A disappointing attendance on the night sees Everton overcome some stern resistance before a late Rooney intervention spares the home side's blushes. Everton are unable to meet the financial requirements on the night so Peter Clarke packs his bags and become a Cobblers player!
Everton maintain their 100% home record with a hard-fought win over a revived Leeds United. A neat one-two between Kevin Campbell and Wayne Rooney sees young Rooney continue his amazing 'goal a game' run. With Duncan Ferguson now reportedly only fourteen days away from resuming full training, Everton spokesman, Ian Ross, is adamant that Everton have not entered an agreement with Real Madrid for the youngster's services [Er... that's Rooney, not Ferguson — Ed]. Steve McManaman, spotted earlier at Goodison, also dismisses the stories as fictitious. Meanwhile, over in Spain, Real Madrid TV begins airing old repeats of Brookside.
David Moyes is rewarded with the September Manager of the Month award as Everton, once again, trek towards the capital to face early season high-flyers Tottenham Hotspur. Everton race into an early two-goal lead thanks to goals from the now prolific Rooney and ex-Gooner Campbell who slid home the second after a superbly worked one-two with Radzinski. A third Everton goal midway through the second half (Radzinski) acts as a catalyst for a Spurs revival. Hoddle throws on loan signing, Les Ferdinand, as a last throw of the dice. He scores four times inside the last three minutes. Everton are beaten for the first time this season.
Wayne Rooney cuts himself shaving early Monday morning and David Moyes immediately withdraws the player from the England squad due to travel to Turkey for the crunch Euro 2004 qualifier. Moyes vehemently denies any anti-English stance at a press conference after a movie showing of "Midnight Express".
Over in Spain, Victoria Beckham is offered a chance to alleviate her boredom after receiving offers from Spanish TV. The national Spanish TV network revives El Dorado and rights are sold to the BBC for £25 million. Victoria is to play the part of a fading pop star seeking to share the limelight in the Spanish sunshine.
Defeat at White Hart Lane hits Moyes and his team hard. A shock first home defeat follows with Southampton plundering all three points at shocked Goodison Park. Marian Pahars fires the visitors into an early lead. Wayne Rooney levels matters on the stroke of half time but hobbles off after colliding with a Goodison old boy standing on the touch-line waiting to take the Goodison acclaim at half-time. It proves to be a costly blow for the home side. Two late Beattie goals leave the home side feeling numb.
Meanwhile, over in Spain, Victoria's budding TV career lies in tatters as the plug is pulled on the ill-fated El Dorado after just one episode. Victoria, clearly upset, blasts the scriptwriters for not making it 'real' life. David buys her a mountain range.
Aston Villa, denying growing rumours of a David Beckham led consortium takeover, hit Everton for six at Villa Park, completing a miserable October for David Moyes and his team. The only consolations for Everton on the day are two Wayne Rooney goals. David O'Leary can barely conceal his delight with his young side, six promoted from the youth side. "We're a young team, hoping to learn our trade in a mans world. I'd best be off, time for my babies to go to bed".
David Moyes chucks his September Manager of the Month award out of the coach on the way home.
Everton set aside their League woes with a sterling performance at Manchester United in the third round of the League Cup. An opening goal from Wayne Rooney (a neat one-two with Campbell) is cancelled by a penalty, dubiously awarded by referee Mike Riley, Ruud van Nistelrooij duly obliging with the equaliser. Everton win through to round four though, thanks to a late bizarre own goal by Gary Neville, charitable as ever to the scousers. Alex Ferguson denies assaulting Ryan Giggs afterwards.
November begins with a visit from Chelsea. An injury crisis has handicapped David Moyes' team. Richard Wright is still out injured. Thomas Gravesen has returned home to Denmark for surgery and though still scoring goals for fun, Wayne Rooney's ankle is cause for concern after the recent collision with Bernie Wright at Goodison. Good news though for Evertonians with news that Duncan Ferguson is now only two weeks away from resuming full training. Inspired by the news of Ferguson's imminent return, Everton rise above recent mediocrity to sneak the points — a well-worked one-two between Campbell and Rooney earning Rooney yet another goal. And Everton three precious points.
Over in Spain, David Beckham starts his second game for Real Madrid. He is substituted at half time as he has a commitment to a Japanese car firm and is required to be present in Tokyo for a commercial shoot. Victoria's struggling TV career receives a boost with news of a "small part" in a Spanish version of The Fast Show.
A short journey, back 50 years, up to Blackburn sees Everton seeking retribution — of sorts — after Rovers nicked the last UEFA Cup place last season. Despite crowd trouble (Everton fan Rob Newton-le-Willows was ejected nine times), a determined Everton side fashion an unlikely win thanks to goals from Wayne Rooney and Steve Watson. The championship challenge is firmly back on track. Rooney's ankle continues to give Moyes concern and he immediately withdraws him from the England squad to face Italy in a Euro 2004 play-off.
As England face Italy in Rome, Everton travel to Middlesbrough for the re-arranged fixture and ruffle a few feathers amongst the FA by including the injured Wayne Rooney in the starting eleven. He scores a hat-trick as Ehiogu and Southgate are on international duty. Everton move into second place on goal difference. England scrape past Italy, thanks to an own goal from Marco Materazzi, in a tense affair and accompany both Wales and the Republic of Ireland at next year's Championship Finals.
Thomas Gravesen returns for the visit to a Wolverhampton Wanderers side struggling in their first season back in the top flight for years. Exuding supreme confidence, the midfield triumvirate of Gravesen, Gemmill and Pembridge ripped through their opponents creating goals for Rooney, Radzinski and the returning Niclas Alexandersson (recently found alive and well after a search involving Interpol). Wolves remain rooted at the bottom, three points adrift of Houllier's struggling Liverpool side. Rooney 's injury problems flare up once more and David Moyes withdraws the lad from the England squad. The FA fly in Los Angeles specialists to validate the injury claims.
Meanwhile, over in Spain, a new catchphrase is sweeping the Iberian peninsula. Watching the Spanish version of The Fast Show, there's a faded pop star cast in the role of weather girl. Velcro Victoria! Her task is to place velcro raindrops on a map of Britain and say "itsa not 'ot!" David is so pleased with Victoria's newfound success that he buys her Portugal.
The month ends with a tricky encounter at Bolton's Reebok stadium. Sam Allardyce denies reports linking Bolton with taking Real Madrid star David Beckham on loan, with Ivan Campo going the other way. "We have a policy here at Wanderers", said Sam, "we prefer to produce our own players." Rooney, miraculously recovered from injury, which kept him out of the England squad, provides Everton with the perfect start. A neat one-two with Kevin Campbell maintains his wonderful goal scoring record. It turns out to be the deciding goal as Everton move to the top of the table for the first time this season.
Everton's participation in this season's League Cup ends in a night of shocks, at Goodison. Despite Wayne Rooney scoring yet again it is George Burley's Derby County who progress through to Round Five on a 2-1 score line. A further blow for Everton happens when substitute Duncan Ferguson breaks a bone in his arm when bending down to tie a bootlace.
Meanwhile, in Spain, David Beckham demands a wage increase after realising the price of imported English newspapers and Hello! Magazine.
With Manchester City reportedly £125 million in debt and the team perilously close to the relegation zone, Kevin Keegan urges his Board to think positive and show ambition. Real Madrid deny rumours from Moss Side that they are interested in a swap deal — Richard Dunne for David Beckham. Dunne cannot travel to Spain for initial talks as he lost his passport in a Southport nightclub. City travel to Goodison with little hope as their away form has been appalling — only Liverpool have a worse record. True to form, Everton maintain their excellent start to the season with a comfortable 2-0 win — again, a brace from the hottest striker in the game today, Wayne Rooney. Twenty-four goals so far this season and not yet Christmas!
A long journey south, to Portsmouth, turns sour when an early Wayne Rooney goal is cancelled by a late Paul Merson lob. After seeing Everton completely dominate proceedings, some fans cannot accept the harshness of the draw. A drunken Eddie Hitler lookalike is taken away by Portsmouth constabulary screaming, "how blue is the sky; how green is the grass..."
Leicester City's defence enters the spirit of Christmas when conceding five at Goodison. Once again, young Rooney captures the back page headlines with his latest hat-trick. Further goals from Campbell and Gravesen add to Leicester's misery. Real Madrid immediately offer David Beckham — and his wife Victoria — in exchange for the Croxteth-born striker. Bill Kenwright denies trying to find a part for Mrs. Beckham in the Christmas production of Cinderella at the Empire Theatre. Everton sit proudly atop the Premiership on Christmas Day.
Meanwhile, the Beckhams return to England for Christmas.
David Beckham, and Steve McManaman, are both spotted at Old Trafford, for the vital clash between Manchester United and Everton on Boxing Day, fuelling further speculation about both English players returning home. Ryan Giggs, still sporting a mysterious black eye two months after an alleged aerial assault by an inexplicable football boot, denies rumours of a rift between player and management.
McManaman expresses a desire to return home to the Northwest. Beckham's interpreter tells the gathered media that the player is enjoying life in Madrid. United hand Everton a lesson as the league leaders rue a series of missed chances. Mike Riley, officiating his fourteenth game at Old Trafford this season, hands United two first half penalties, both converted, and sends off both Gravesen and Yobo — much to the dismay of Everton manager, David Moyes. Wayne Rooney scores a late consolation after a clever one-two with Kevin Campbell. Everton slip to second in the table but small crumb of comfort for the Blue half of Merseyside comes in the shape of Liverpool hitting rock bottom.
Gerard Houllier refuses to accept any blame for Liverpool's current plight. David Moores denies growing rumours of a Peter Ridsdale takeover.
Terry Venables is spotted with Rick Parry in an Albert Dock restaurant.
Meanwhile, somewhere in England, David Beckham is nursing a wounded ego after electrocuting himself with Brooklyn's new Scalectrix set, delivered by Santa. Real Madrid are, ahem, 'shocked' to hear of Beckham's 'current' plight. A new hairstyle is born. Don King issues a writ.
Everton get their Championship challenge back on course with their best performance of the season, against Birmingham City. David Dunn has an absolute stinker for the visitors and is substituted before half-time. The prolific Rooney continues to re-write the record books as he bags another four goals, bringing his seasonal tally to 33. Alan Stubbs, with a header, and substitute Nick Chadwick complete Birmingham's misery in a classy 6-0 drubbing. Liverpool haul themselves off the bottom with a point at Manchester City. Gerard Houllier senses a corner has been turned and that the Champions League remains his goal for the season.
Fate knocks upon Gerard Houllier's door as FA Cup draw pits Merseyside giants together in the glamour tie of the FA Cup Third Round. With Everton flying high and Liverpool in a state of shock, the pressure is mounting. Houllier continues to talk about corners and Moyes of circles. The pressure is beginning to tell on the Frenchman. Michael Owen's injuries, received after a recent night in The Grafton, sideline the England star — Heskey taking his place. David Moyes decides to rest Wayne Rooney for the derby as more important games lie ahead. More good news for Everton, with Duncan Ferguson declaring himself fit and available.
The game starts badly for Liverpool. Within five minutes the home side are 2-0 down, thanks to goals from Pistone and Campbell (a neat one-two with Duncan Ferguson). After ten minutes Ferguson limps off with a sore throat and a hangover. And a thirst. He'll now miss the remainder of the season. His replacement, Rooney, scores three in front of the Kop before half-time to make it 5-0 to the visitors. Before a deserted Anfield, David Moyes makes changes for the second half. In come Andrew Pettinger (on loan from somewhere) for Wright and Rooney departs, affording Nick Chadwick some valuable match practise. Two late goals, a brace from Chadwick, confirm Everton's supremacy and Liverpool's worst home defeat for years.
Gerard Houllier turns one last corner and steps down as Liverpool manager. David Moores sells up and Peter Ridsdale is quickly installed as new Liverpool owner and chairman. He speaks of a great determination to get this club back to where they belong. He employs Terry Venables as the man to achieve that goal. Venables employs Bernard Hill as his assistant. The Youth Academy at Kirkby is sold to an unknown London businessman and becomes a lap-dancing club.
Arsenal arrive at Goodison minus Francis Jeffers who is in Japan having talks with Grampus Eight manager Walter Smith about reviving his career. It 's a battle of the strikers as both Thierry Henry and Wayne Rooney grab a brace in an exciting 2-2 draw which keeps The Toffees one point clear of Manchester United and three ahead of Arsenal.
Meanwhile, over in Spain, reports link David Beckham with a shock move to Liverpool now that Terry Venables is in charge. However, nothing becomes of the stories and Venables switches his attentions to Nicky Barmby and Paul Okon, both players arriving from Leeds in a double deal costing £18 million.
Everton travel to Milton Keynes, to face Fulham, new tenants at Wimbledon's new home. There is no love lost in a physical encounter. New loan signing, Les Ferdinand puts Fulham into an early lead but the Everton response is immediate. A neat one-two between Campbell and Rooney nets the young England star his 39th goal of the season. David Weir secures the vital win for the travelling Blues with five minutes remaining. The chase for the title is on! David Moyes denies interest in the Scotland job after Berti Vogts' resignation.
A comfortable 3-0 win at home — a Wayne Rooney hat trick — against struggling Charlton Athletic keeps Everton one point in front of reigning champions Manchester United. Alex Ferguson tries his annual mind games with an offer to take Rooney from Everton for a derisory £5 million.
Meanwhile, up in Scotland, Duncan Ferguson is in talks with the SFA over the vacant managerial position. It is understood that the injured Everton player is looking for a player-manager role.
Over in Spain, David Beckham announces losses of £125,000 after his Sun Tan Alley business venture flops. Spain is enjoying an unseasonal heatwave.
FA Cup Fourth Round weekend sees Everton travelling to non-league Shrewsbury Town, now managed by Mike Newell. After a nervous start, two first-half goals from Rooney (who else!) eases Everton's passage into round five.
With the transfer window about to close for the season, Liverpool complete the sensational loan signing of Les Ferdinand after a falling out with the manager who looks like yer man from Aerosmith! Venables opts to make the deal permanent and tables a £2 million bid for Ferdinand. West Ham duly accept. Meanwhile, Everton secure the services of Steve McManaman on a free transfer from Real Madrid.
El Tel become El Hell with his first taste of Merseyside derby action. His Christmas tree formation confuses his players and Everton need no invitation. Rooney continues to torment the Reds, another match day ball added to the collection with a superb hat-trick. The visitors depart Anfield with three goals and three further points in the quest for a first Championship since 1987. A token appearance late in the game from Duncan Ferguson fuels rumours of Ferguson's imminent appointment as Scotland player-manager.
Billed as the match of the season, Everton entertain titleholders Manchester United at Goodison. David Moyes is at pains to distance himself from reports on MUTV that Wayne Rooney is about to move to Old Trafford. Alex Ferguson refuses to bring his team to Goodison unless his request for Mike Riley to officiate is granted. Everton are fined £10,000 for disputing the decision. Steve McManaman, playing his first game for his boyhood team links well with Kevin Campbell, a neat one-two and plays in Wayne Rooney who finishes with the calmness of a more seasoned professional. United throw everything at Everton. Literally. David Moyes is struck in the tunnel at half time by a mysterious flying boot and is whisked off to Walton Hospital for treatment. United are awarded a fortunate penalty when keeper Wright takes three seconds to clear upfield. Van Nistelrooij levels from the spot and is on hand to complete Everton's misery with a second penalty, ten minutes into injury time. United move two points clear at the top.
Liverpool's woes continue with news of a raid by Inland Revenue officials investigating the recent transfers of Barmby and Okon. On the pitch, they remain rooted to the bottom.
Meanwhile, over in Spain, Posh 'n' Becks release their first single, "Begin The Beguine" which enters the Spanish Hot 100 at 109. Max Clifford is brought over from England to promote the single.
Everton react to losing their top spot in the best possible manner with the destruction of Birmingham City at St Andrews. Steve McManaman again catches the eye, in front of the watching Sven Goran Eriksson, but once again it is the goals of Wayne Rooney that secure a vital win for the Blues. Two goals from the young England star bring his total to 48 for the season. Real Madrid and Juventus are reported to be tabling bids for the young star.
The Blues travel to Stamford Bridge to face Chelsea in the FA Cup Fifth Round. A tight affair is decided late in the day after a well-worked one-two between Rooney and Campbell — the youngster pouncing on a mistake to sneak Everton into the FA Cup quarter finals for the first time since the heady days of Walter Smith.
With Manchester United being defeated by Leeds United at Old Trafford earlier in the day, Everton make no mistake at Southampton and overtake United at the top once more. Two from Rooney and one each for Radzinski and Campbell confirm Everton's superiority over Gordon Strachan's lacklustre side. Liverpool slump to another home defeat, with Portsmouth being the latest team to inflict pain on the struggling Merseysiders. Peter Ridsdale gives Terry Venables his complete backing. The Liverpool megastore, centrally located, is sold for an undisclosed sum to a London business consortium.
Meanwhile, over in Spain, David Beckham plays only his fourth game of the season. He takes a corner for Madrid. Sky Sports News call in Alan Mullery and Steve Curry to discuss the significance of this corner kick and where Beckham's career now lies.
Everton gain revenge on Aston Villa, for the early season Villa Park capitulation. Rooney, once again, plays like a child possessed, scoring all five Everton goals in a five-star display, evoking memories of the last Championship winning side to grace Goodison. Talk of the King's Dock proposal resurface with Paul Gregg now eager to personally underwrite any deals on the table. Terry Venables remains defiant that he is the man to take Liverpool back to where they belong. Six points from safety adds to the pressures growing at Anfield.
In the first of two meetings with Portsmouth over the coming week, Everton secure safe passage to the FA Cup semi-final with a convincing victory over the promoted side. An inspired Wayne Rooney continues to score goals for fun, two more for his collection: 2-0 to Everton.
Intimate pictures of Victoria Beckham, wearing only a smile and a Barcelona scarf, cause embarrassment for the now ex-England captain over in Madrid. Beckham issues a writ against Hello! Magazine and requests no further media intrusion into his private life.
A day of shocks at the top of the Premiership as both Everton and Manchester United suffer shock defeats at the hands of Portsmouth and Manchester City respectively. The Goodison patrons are stunned as Portsmouth perfect the art of smash and grab. A late consolation from Wayne Rooney cannot prevent a damaging defeat, 2-1. United lose to their neighbours in the big Manchester derby, the winning goal coming from a mazy Dunne dribble and speculative shot. Arsenal defeat Blackburn Rovers to renew their own hopes of Championship glory.
A jittery performance from Everton at the Walker Stadium results in two precious points being lost against Leicester City. Not for the first time, Everton have young Rooney to thank as he scores Everton's equaliser after some fine work from Kevin Campbell. United ease past hapless Spurs at Old Trafford to regain top spot and Arsenal also close in on the top with a comfortable win over Bolton. At the bottom, Liverpool snatch three invaluable points against fellow strugglers Wolverhampton Wanderers. Terry Venables is convinced Liverpool have turned a corner. Venables also replaces Tommy Smith on the letters page in the local Liverpool Echo, after DHSS officials have the ex-Liverpool star arrested for deception.
Meanwhile, over in Spain, David Beckham damages one of his metatarsals in a ski-ing accident in Andorra. With no E111 form, this will cost Beckham dearly!
Everton get their stuttering championship challenge back on track with a demolition of Steve McLaren's Middlesbrough at Goodison Park. Unbelievably, young Rooney maintains his astonishing record of scoring in every game this season with a polished finish after a sublime one-two with Campbell. Further goals from Watson and Hibbert seal a fine 3-0 win, keeping the Blues a solitary point behind United.
Over in Spain, the Beckhams are served with multiple lawsuits after numerous cases of food poisoning are attributed to Victoria's recipes for English steak pie in her mid afternoon cookery programme, "Pie Hola!"
A daunting visit to Newcastle is eased somewhat after it emerges that Alan Shearer and a number of unnamed Newcastle players are all caught in a house of ill repute with Freddy Shepherd and a dozen or more ladies of the night. Shearer explains to the assorted media that he was simply there for treatment of a groin injury. Bobby Robson froths at the mouth and forces the maximum fine on his players. Newcastle, in turmoil — their European dreams shattered — duly buckle to Everton pressure and suffer a humiliating 1-5 home defeat. Goals from Stubbs, Weir, Unsworth, Yobo and Rooney prove to be too much for the ailing Robson who quits his post amidst an incoherent outburst of real passion and commitment at the after match press conference.
Walter Smith is appointed as new manager of Newcastle United on a caretaker basis for the remainder of the season after Grampus Eight's somewhat disappointing end to the season in Japan. "The Newcastle situation excites me," says Walter. Archibald Knox is appointed as his sturdy assistant despite a near riot by Milwall fans. Peter Ridsdale denies making moves for Bobby Robson at Liverpool and is happy with the job Terry Venables has done to date, despite the fact that Liverpool still lie three points from safety. The roof over The Kop goes missing and is last seen down Fulham Broadway in London. Venables has no comment to make at this time...
David Moyes is once again named Manager of the Month, this time for the month of March. He has a fit and threatens to introduce the Glasgow Kiss to those who selected him to be the chosen recipient of the accursed award. Instead, he proposes Terry Venables for the honour, for the sterling job he is doing at Anfield in the fight for survival. Venables accepts the award, gratefully, and demands an instant pay rise from Ridsdale in recognition of his achievements.
An absolute humdinger of a game at Goodison Park on Easter Saturday sees Tottenham Hotspur score four times against Everton. Unfortunately for Glen Hoddle's team, they concede 10! A wonderful double hat-trick from Kevin Campbell grabs the back page headlines. But more importantly, Rooney keeps his goal-scoring run going with a last minute header sending Goodison into rapture. Two from Radzinski and one from Gravesen complete the rout. Hoddle immediately tenders his resignation.
Terry Venables denies stories of Spurs wanting him to lead them back to glory. Middlesbrough offer Real Madrid what little is left of Steve Gibson' s personal wealth is left for David Beckham. Though Madrid have shifted 6,000,000 shirts with Beckham's name on the back, the time has now arrived for Beckham to depart Madrid. Beckham himself denies the reports linking him with a return home to England and instead informs the media that if he is to move then Barcelona "a team I've followed since I was a boy" are the chosen destination. Playa del Beckham comes under attack from irate Madrid fans. Victoria sells the images of the 'riot' to OK! magazine.
Steve Curry and Alan Mullery take over Sky Sports news and pontificate about Beckham's future. Walter Smith, craving some flair in his Newcastle side, confirms his interest in taking Beckham to Newcastle in the summer. Archibald Knox salivates.
Wayne Rooney does the trick once again, as Everton travel to Elland Road and again return home with three points — a perfect Easter for the Toffees. Fifty-one years of hurt ended last season followed by two successive league wins — a strange game, football! Not for the first time this season, a solitary Rooney strike, after a neat one-two with Kevin Campbell, separates the sides. Manchester United wallop Leicester City to remain in front at the top of the Premiership but Walter Smith's total football ('sexy fitba') at Newcastle puts an end to Arsenal's championship prospects.
Meanwhile, over in Spain, Terry Venables is taking four weeks to negotiate David Beckham's return to the Premiership and a sensational singing for Liverpool. Phil Thompson, freshly returned from plastic surgery in San Francisco, takes up the managerial reign in Venable's absence. The Liverpool Echo slate Evertonians for the disappearance of The Shankly Gates even though a similar set of gates now adorn Terry Venables' palatial estate down in Surrey.
Everton face Blackburn Rovers in the FA Cup semi-final at Old Trafford — a blue day at Old Trafford. Within five minutes Gravesen is carded for duffing up Damien Duff. Everton, who won the toss for usage of the home dressing room, are awarded a fortunate penalty by Mike Riley when Craig Short is found to be guilty of being the worst Ted Danson lookalike. Unsworth converts the penalty. The win for Everton, and a place in this season's Cup Final, is secured when Steve McManaman puts young Rooney through and, after rounding the Rovers keeper, Friedel, he slots home the goal which sends Everton to their first Cup Final since 1995.
Meanwhile, over in Spain, television images of David Beckham partying with Terry Venables in Bridgetown, Barbados, send shockwaves across Europe. Peter Ridsdale is not impressed and immediately terminates El Tel's contract. Glen Hoddle is offered the Liverpool vacancy for the remainder of the season. Venables threatens legal action against Liverpool. Another corner turned...
Defeat at Stamford Bridge against Chelsea (now in administration) could prove costly for David Moyes' side. With United victorious at Portsmouth the gap is now four points. Rooney scores again, this time his 56th league goal of the season. Liverpool lose at home to practically seal their fate. Rick Parry calls for an emergency meeting of G14 teams for a major restructuring of the domestic leagues to eliminate relegation.
With their recent FA Cup semi-final still fresh in the memories, Everton face Blackburn Rovers in a crucial league meeting at Goodison Park. A must-win game for the home side with games rapidly running out. McManaman, inspired by the sight of a seething Souness on the sideline, scores a sensational opener. Rooney doubles the lead on the stroke of half-time after some good work with Campbell. Wild scenes at Goodison with the news of Manchester United's shock defeat at home against bitter rivals Liverpool — a wonder strike from Djimi Traore wiping the smirk from Sir Alex Ferguson's puss.
Meanwhile, over in Spain, the circus comes to town. Venables and Beckham arrive back in Madrid after "negotiations" held in Barbados. All very strange considering Venables is no longer managing Liverpool. An injured Paul Gascoigne is sighted also in Madrid, days after being found plastered in Paris.
Everton, now one point behind United, travel to Wolverhampton Wanderers. Wolves, themselves with a necessity for points, take the game to their illustrious opponents and deservedly take the lead via a Denis Irwin free kick. Three points look assured until a late Rooney effort sneaks into the bottom right corner to earn a precious away point. United win at Blackburn to go three points clear with two games remaining.
Terrry Venables negotiates a lucrative return to English football for one time England captain, David Beckham. He refuses to name the English club who have secured Beckham's signature but insists that the door remains ajar should any further clubs wish to secure Beckham's services.
Drama at the death with Manchester United poised to claim the Title for a second consecutive season. Leading 1-0 at home to Chelsea deep into injury time, and news from Goodison of a goalless stalemate between Everton and Bolton Wanderers, has the Theatre of Dreams in celebratory mood. However, a last ditch goal from Gianfranco Zola silences the home fans. To rub salt in the wounds, news filters through of a late late Rooney goal winning the match for Everton. Scenes of Alan Irvine and David Moyes on their knees on the pitch and in the air are replayed all night long on Sky Sports News. Incredibly, Wayne Rooney has now equalled Bill Dean's fantastic 60-goal haul. One game left: United ahead by a solitary point.
Liverpool are finally relegated after defeat at Birmingham City. Peter Ridsdale blames Terry Venables for the mess.
The final day of the season sees both United and Everton on their travels. United head for Villa Park, where O'Leary's babies are maturing all the time. Manchester City entertain Everton and Kevin Keegan tells Sir Alex Ferguson to ease with the mind games. "I'd love it, really love it if Manchester City could win this game", says Sir Alex. The pressure begins to tell on Moyes' Everton as they fail to create a single chance in the opening half. City look dangerous on the counter attack.
Goal from Villa Park. It's Paul Scholes. Everton now need assistance from Villa if they are to lift the Championship. Gary Neville needlessly scores a crazy own goal to bring Villa level. It finishes 1-1 at Villa Park. They 're still playing at Manchester City. City fans are going mental at the prospect of themselves being partly responsible for their city rivals now being champions in waiting. Every City player is booed with each touch of the ball. Richard Dunne plays a gorgeous one-two with Wayne Rooney and Rooney, with time almost up, scores the goal to send Evertonians into raptures.
Everton Football Club have won the Championship for the first time since 1987.
Rooney's goal also beats the long-standing goal-scoring record held by previous Everton No 9, Bill Dean. He has also scored in every single game this season. It's a sea of Blue in Manchester tonight. Alex Ferguson looks tormented. Ryan Giggs is mysteriously on his way to hospital with a suspected broken jaw.
The G14, via their spokesman Rick Parry, propose a restructuring of the domestic leagues and that the Champions League be scrapped in favour of a G14 members only tournament. It is immediately rejected by UEFA. An incensed David Moyes goes in search of Parry.
Everton achieves an historic Double when they defeat Newcastle United in the FA Cup Final. Goals from McManaman and Rooney secure a place in history in this, the club's 125th season.
Liverpool, in a blatant attempt to piss on Everton's parade, announce the imminent signing of David Beckham. Beckham flies into Liverpool on the day Everton parade their trophy haul. Victoria Beckham, reading the small print in David's contract on the flight over from Madrid, asks David to explain the meaning of the word relegation. When it is pointed out to him that there's a clause in his contract enabling him to leave Liverpool if they are relegated, he immediately requests a move. Liverpool, rumoured to be heading for administration, are left with no choice but to grant Beckham a move away from Anfield. Peter Johnson moves across the Mersey to buy the ailing Liverpool Football Club.
Meanwhile, Everton head for Europe as Champions of England!
Colm Kavanagh 18 June 2003