Premier League clubs still aim to finish the season

I had a meeting with my family today and our broad aim was to try to win the Euromillions lottery on Friday night. I have engaged with all the stakeholders, and my daughter says she'd like a unicorn and a trip to Mars if we do win the jackpot.

I've tried engaging with the steakholders, but every nice restaurant and butcher shop is closed. So my complex planning scenarios are down to whether I scramble my eggs or fry them.

I've also tried scheduling models, but none of them seem to want to come over to the house with my wife away.

I'd lay money that there is one decision they have not made, when to give up entirely on finishing this season. After all, it would make the number of plans needed finite and would allow them to get on with the things they say they currently have no time to do.

They unanimously agreed to take it offline, try not to boil the ocean right now and to hope for a paradigm shift. If anything changes, they'll run it up the flag pole, see if they can move the needle, but at the end of the day they'll circle back to where they started.

I aim to accidentally bump into Amanda Holden whilst out on my government-approved exercise. I aim to convince her I'm 100% healthy and talk her into coming back to ours for a party.

I also aim to get therapy for my inability to maintain an outlook grounded in reality, although I believe I'm making progress on that as I'd have once chosen Cameron Diaz who, as a person to bump into, is obviously not realistic at all.

Brian,

I didn't take my allocated exercise period today. Can I come with you, whilst observing social distancing protocols?

I have lots of antiseptic wipes!

I hope that's not the Williams boys from Prestatyn.

Nice to see our ToffeeWeb community rightly taking the piss out of the Premier League plans, you wonder what exactly would have to happen for this season to be null and void? A nuclear war? Let's play indoors in bio-hazard suits?

The BBC had a poll which had a few options to finish this season, null and void came out top 39%, to play till the end of time came second at 28%. I don't think the Red loving BBC expected this result and haven't bothered to discuss it much.

They had 5 ex-players on the same article giving their opinion, 2 of the 5 were ex-Liverpool, very impartial.

Back to our local rag, the Echo, the paper that always goes with Liverpool and Everton and never Everton and Liverpool. A friend of mine emails their daily quiz, today's subject LFC +EFC.

Question: How many times have Everton won the league?

Answer: 8. Tells you all you need to know about our "Local" paper.

Fantasy!

Brian #5,

If Les Dennis can do it, you're in with a shout.

Chris, the more the merrier but keep your eyes off Amanda.

Alan, #7. Can't speak for Chris but this Williams is from the Wirral. 🤪

Brian,

I'm very shortsighted but I'm also from the Wirral. My Great Grandad was from Caernarfon.

Are you sure we're not related?

Brian, I'll come but only if Claire Sweeney is also coming!!

Can I bring Jean Shrimpton and Marianne Faithfull, as well as Jeanne Moreau?

No wonder I'm shortsighted!

Rob @13,

Claire (Tramp) Sweeney – are you sure? Quality control is required man!

Katie McGrath, Dita Von Tease, or if we go back to the late '70s, Kate Bush would all do for me.

Brian (11), get you, The Wirral!!

A man got stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: "Do you have a permit for all these fish?"
Man: "No sir. These are all my pet fish."
Warden: "Your pet fish? How's that?"
Man: "Well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake. I let them swim for about half-an-hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night."
Warden: "Well that's just a crock of lies!!"
Man: "Here, I'll show you..." (Releases the fish in the lake)
Warden: "Well this I got to see!!

5 minutes later...

Warden: "Well??"
Man: "What?"
Warden: "The fish!! Where's your pet fish??
Man: "What fish??"

There was a man who had worked on Liverpool docks for 20 years. Every night when he left the dock, he would push a wheelbarrow full of straw to the guard at the gate. The guard would look through the straw, and find nothing and pass the man through.

On the day of his retirement, the man came to the guard as usual but without the wheelbarrow. Having become friends over the years, the guard asked him,

“Charlie, I've seen you walk out of here every night for 20 years. I know you've been stealing something. Now that you're retired, tell me what it is. It's driving me crazy.”

Charlie simply smiled and replied, “Okay, wheelbarrows!”

Chris #12. Are you rich and short of relatives?

Dave #16. Yes, the Wirral (for short), or to give my place of abode it's full title: The Wirral secure facility.

Angela Merkel has banned sporting and public events in Germany until at least 31 August. Even starting next season on time is looking very doubtful.

Brian: can I come and can I bring Toni Wille?

Telegraph headline: Premier League clubs told 2020-21 season must start by first week in September

But I can't see who or what has set this deadline!

Bill, will she be singing?

I may be able to persuade her to sing 'our' song: 'If You Ever Come to Amsterdam'.

Last time I went, I called around but she was out!

Brian (19), I knew that. Last time we were in The Excelsior, I clocked the tag on your ankle!!

🤐

Can I also bring Francoise Hardy?

This is all becoming quite tiresome, and needs resolution.

If the RS persuade Uefa that Everton are retrospectively declared Champions of Europe 1986, I will support them being declared Premier League winners 2019-20.

It's time to move on.

Patrick (John), come this Sunday, it will have been 6weeks since we last played. By the looks of it, it will be another 6 weeks, maybe more, before we, or anyone else for that matter, plays again. The summer break is not 12 weeks long as most teams return for pre-season training usually 6 or 7 weeks after the final game of the previous season.

When you factor in clubs will probably need at least a couple of weeks "pre-season training" before they can play again this season, then I reckon the first game back could be mid to late June. Let's say Man City go all the way in the FA Cup and Champions League, that's a staggering 19 games they still have to play this season. Okay, I know there may be a "new" format for the Champions League, but still, it's asking an awful lot for them to play so many games in such a short period, have a summer break (not that any team should have one this summer), report back for pre-season training, then start all over again in September.

Basically the league will end one week and the new one start the next. We will see injuries like never before. The best thing is scrap this season, null and void hopefully, but, if not, as the league stands now. Okay, the RS win the league, which, let's face it, they were going to anyway, but finish it now and make it a tainted victory, with a dirty big asterisk next to their name.

Rob, won't he be accompanied by his mate Obelix?

Asterix

Brian Williams, I actually dated Amanda Holden back in the eighties. Believe it or not.

Did you meet her on Blind Date with our Cilla, Andy?

Shit, lockdown is messing with my memory. It was Joanne Holden.

I thought UEFA had given up on the mandate that domestic seasons should be completed by 30th June. I know they are suggesting the European competitions might be completed by 29th August. So it seems to me if compromises can be reached concerning player contracts and kit deals, there is no reason why the domestic leagues should not extend into July and August.

That assumes matches will be permitted behind closed doors. We in the UK will not be seeing mass gatherings of people in football stadia for many months to come.

I fucking hated you for a minute there, Andy, til I read your latter post lol!!!

Who gives a shit if Niasse's contract is up in June? Good riddance... he's been poncing a wage for ages.

Wrong thread Bobby?

Oh yeh

Y'all been isolated for far too long lol.

Well, the Premier League is just buying time from the machinery it is tangled into.

Whilst everyone is in fantasy land, just finished watching Jumanji 3. Karen Gillan has to be at any party I attend, Amanda and Carol V as half time subs... have I just said that out loud? Damn the Bombay Sapphire!

Bobby#37. 😂😂😂

Brian, you would hate me more if you ever saw Joanne. The only girl who looked great in grey... actually, thinking back, why did she always wear grey? Why? Why?

Diego Costa on a free anyone?

Gerrard goes to the doctor. “Doc, I haven't been feeling so good lately.”

Doctor: “Stevie, you have to stop wanking.”

Gerrard: “Why?”

Doctor: “So I can examine you!”

Andy, if you'd dated Amanda Holden back in the 80s, you'd just now be coming out of prison. She weren't legal then.

Francoise Hardy; beautiful... ToffeeWeb top trumps...

Raise you Alexandra Bastedo, Vanessa Paradis and Maddy Smith...

Eugene Ruane, come on in 😂

Been some good humour on here today, but none tops Klopp's happiness of getting the winter break. Oh dear, if only he had kept his trap shut, would have been done and dusted by now, with the rest of the season probably ended with no relegation and West Brom and Leeds promoted.

Now we have to wait til hell freezes over to allow them the title.

Surely they should finish the 1939-40 league before the 2019-2020? Each team had played 3 matches which left just 39 to be played. The season was properly under way, and Blackpool were in top slot so “virtually certain” to win their first and only league title.

Everton had the leading goal scorer, Tommy Lawton. I think he's now out of contract but he probably won't be much less fit than Oumar Niasse and with just a bit of exhumation will probably be just as effective.

I say: Finish the 39-40 first! Then we can worry about later matters.

Rob H,

I had an "opportunity" with Claire Sweeney a few years back but was, how shall I say – indisposed.

Phil (45),

I find myself slobbering, nay slavering here.

Nurse, the screens!

Madeline Smith. Even now, guaranteed to invoke a stirring in the underpants zone.🤪

Ray@ 50; when asked what she called them, said, I call one Pinky and one Perky. They were well aired along with Ingrid Pitt in the Hammer epic Vampire Lovers, to name but one.

Edit; I get the feeling we are less than impressed with the Premier Leagues plans – they're living in a dream world if they think they will kick a ball in anger before Bonny Night – if thenl

Nurse, Nurse!

Just a little prick!

I read Henry Winter's tweet yesterday where he was saying the majority of clubs wanted the season to be finished. But 90% of the people who replied to his tweet said they wanted the season to be null and void, and couldn't understand why this hadn't happened already.

Germany which has suggested that they may start their league in the next 4 to 6 weeks may now have to think again. As today it was announced that, despite their chief medical officer thinking the worst was passed, they have recorded rises in the people who have contracted Covid-19 for the 4th consecutive day and the death toll in Germany continues to rise.

Surely at some point the Premier League will have to make a choice between making the season null and void or confirming where clubs are now will be deemed the finishing positions.

Now if you don't null and void the season, the other option will open a can of worms as, if you say the 3 clubs in the relegation zone will be relegated and the top 2 in the Championship will be promoted, there will be lots of court cases which would stop any chance of starting next season till these cases were brought to court.

'And God Created Woman' 1956.

And that woman was Brigette Bardot - wow !! - my type of gal!!

Pity she's gone to the dogs since then, so to speak.

Jenny Agutter for me.

you can have Bardot Robert, just as long as you do not shimmy my drainpipe, when I am in the bath, and slip into my bedroom for a hows your father with my other half, Raquel Welch, who has slipped into my back to the future bedroom, and back to the swinging sixties.

Cue swinging jokes :-)

Glad the Eds are letting posts through to try and lift the mood, we may be off subject but, with no football, makes a nice change to have a free-for-all with even some jokes and Carry On innuendos thrown in.

We cannot ignore what is happening but, at the same time, we need something to try and lift the situation we are all in and try and help each other.

Keep up the good work, fellow posters. Well done to Lyndon, Michael and others who have helped keep this site going when we need it the most.

Keep well and safe fellow Blues.

Ray #50.

Is that anywhere near the fanzone?

Reading most of the posts on here, it is evident that most need to start taking Bromine in their beer or tea. Or alternatively look at the Magnificent Seven. Margaret Rutherford, Peggy Mount, Queenie Watts, Rita Webb, Joyce Grenfell, Violet Carson and Irene Ryan. That should do the trick, probably even better than Bromine.

Down Boy! 😂😋

This made me chuckle:

2019-20 Premier League Season “Should Be Cancelled” Say Unbiased Fans

Try again!

https://newsofthenews.com/2019-20-premier-league-season-should-be-cancelled-say-unbiased-fans

Another month of lockdown and I doubt even Margaret Rutherford would combat it in her polka dot swimwear :-)

Well maybe you have a point there Derek.

Derek (59)

I remember Rita Webb did that song from ‘Grease' with Arthur Mullard.

Much better than the original version!

Better than bromide too.

Just one last one for now, surprisingly football-related:

I always remember, in his latter years, Kevin Sheedy was the whipping boy. Anyway, this one game, he was out injured and I was sat in the main stand. I spotted Sheedy two rows behind me and about four rows further left.

The game was less than inspiring and this guy two seats to the left of me was blasting a player and top of his voice shouted, "You're shite, you're almost as shite as Sheedy!" I let the guy hang himself a little longer then told him to look behind him... he clocked Kevin Sheedy smiling at him.

Pure gold, no words exchanged, just a knowing smile from Sheedy put the guy well and truly in a 10-foot hole.

Brian #64, that's a memory to savor for sure! Thanks for sharing.

Derek (59) All Division 2... but Norah Batty...corrrr!

For me, some of the standouts, no merit order, all, top class:

One Million Years BC - all of the women in this film
Ingrid Pitt - Hammer Films
Britt Ekland - Whicker Man,
Claudia Cardinale - How The West War Won
Alexandra Bastedo - The Champions
Beatrice Dalle - Betty Blue
Isabelle Adjani - One Deadly Summer
Veronica Hammell - Hill Street Blues
Kathleen Turner in her 80s films...

Derek K@ 59; don't forget Thora Hird, Jeanne Alexander / Hilda Ogden and Stephanie Cole, aka, Mrs (Delphine) Fer, Fer, Feathstone from Open All Hours. Brilliant performers all.

Also, much credit to writers Roy Clarke and Tony Warren for observing and putting down on paper an endless supply of strong (mostly) Northern women.

Baring the two classic male characters in Open All Hours and one or two in Corrie, all the big (Lynda Barron's Gwladys Emmanuel) parts were, and still are(?) played by women, with men added as almost afterthoughts.

On to my own personal favourite, superbly written and imagined by Roy Clarke, she didn't even have a name, nor many scenes. But wrapped up in bobble hat, scarf and parka, 'The Milk Woman', armed with only Barbara Flynn's mischievous grin hinted at the promise of the untold pleasures that might be had with an extra pot of yoghurt.

Superb, Derek!

And also Derek Thomas @68, great banter. Superb!

Paul @ 70; there is an unauthorised short story out there that deals more comprehensively with Granville and the Milk Woman (R18 / nsfw) with murder, magic, Match of the Day and... a pot of yoghurt – not necessarily in that order.

No vaccine for at least 12 or 18 months or medicine to treat this virus.

No fans may be allowed till the 21-22 season. There really is no rush to finish this season. Surely football must wait while hospitals get back to some normality. Football matches will still require an ambulance, doctors present even without fans.

Those thinking normality by August, no. A return to crowded stadiums is a long way off. Public safety is paramount. If we take a moment to reflect on those who have died, those who are fighting for their lives, and all who live in fear of getting the virus... football can wait!!

I seem to recall Ronnie Barker saying that Raquel Welch reminded him of the game "Monopoly" – the Community Chest.

The most memorable bits in the Whicker Man were a body double; some unknown talent. Amanda Holden was mentioned a bit earlier but not Alicia Dixon; seems a bit like walking past a Ferrari to have a look at nice Mini Clubman.

As a band of squirrels had become quite a problem, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They caught the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

So, despite the Coronavirus, it looks like Newcastle Utd are set to be taken over by a super-rich consortium consisting of the Rueben Bros, the Saudi bone saw mob and Amanda ‘the milf' Stavely.

Good luck to the Geordies. If some Evertonians have doubts about Usmanov being associated with us, then they might want to take a closer look at some of the above-mentioned. This, sadly, is our present and future. If you want to compete with the big boys, you're going to have to hold your nose and look away.

Derek (68), you've got excellent judgement naming Barbara Flynn, an attractive lady and a brilliant actress.

Bob (75). That story is hilarious and also demonstrates the fundamental flaw in all religions - it is all down to interpretation, of the written word - which, more often than not, was written centuries after the events commentated on by people not remotely connected with the supposed original event.

I often wonder about the Muslim edict of "no alcohol" - written apparently by a follower of the prophet a couple of hundred years after Mohammed had died. How could he know what Mohammed had said? Not only that, but would the world have been a safer, or more dangerous place, if that religious ban had never been mooted?

We can only look to the effect of prohibition in the USA for an answer to that!

Just wanted to thank Lyndon and Michael for the way they have allowed the site to open up. It is not being trivial to come on here and talk about transfer rumours or tactics. It is normalising the world.

Yesterday my family got a blow from Covid-19. It has made me sad and reflective but I have come onto this site to feel a sense of community; to be part of something.Michael and Lyndon, you are providing an essential service and we all appreciate it. I have had quite a few arguments with plenty of ToffeeWebers but never encountered one I wouldn't like to have a beer with.

I am wary of sentimentality but there are worse things. This is the best fansite with the best supporters in the world.

That's very good of you to say, Andy, at such a time.

I tend to feel my words are meaningless in such grievous situations, so I don't say much, as – no matter what you say to demonstrate empathy – you can never feel that overwhelming emotional sledgehammer until it happens in your own life.

Best wishes.

One of my favourite pieces of comedy was Jimmy James, Roy Castle and Ely Woods were the 3 come on stage with Roy Castle holding a box, and he begins to tell the other 2 what animals he has in the box.

I have no idea if it's on YouTube anywhere but it will probably be in black and white.

Brian,

Another good one is Norman Collyer when he's commentating with a faulty mic or pretending to ride an ostrich or some such bird.

Equally monochrome!

Two of my favourite comedy sketches are Morecambe and Wise with Andre Previn, and The Two Ronnies with "The Four Candles" sketch. Both absolute classics, but Morecambe and Wise deffo the top one.

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/xds7am

Chris,

I am not great with modern technology but just put Jimmy James's name into Google and it brought up the sketch I was talking about; as suspected, it was in black and white.

My wife for some reason hadn't seen this before and she was screaming with laughter and it was even funnier than when I watched it the first time. 4 minutes of absolute magic, you can see a were Eric Morcambe got some of his mannerisms from.

They're showing the 1977 FA Cup derby on BBC1 at 1:30. That is the only time I remember my father swearing and for a while I thought Clive Thomas's middle name was 'fucking'.

That's certainly one to miss, Mike @86. Some of us still haven't got over it. 43 years ago and Satan was already in their dug-out.

Brian,

Jimmy James was funny alright. On a lot in the 50s and early 60s. A scouser I think. One of my sisters best friends from school was his niece., Susan. She loved him as an Uncle, but wasn't so sure about him being funny.

I had a look at him on YouTube as well as Norman Collier (correct spelling), who is also hilarious. I sent some clips over to my mate in USA who loved him back then. In colour, no less.

The guy who rode about on a fake ostrich was actually Bernie Clifton, it seems. So much for my memory!

Hugh @78, I am not a religious person and I was just trying to pass on a laughing moment. Get your point though.

A solution would be to complete the current season by end December 2020, Start the new season in January 2021 to run up to the World Cup in Qatar in November 2021 and start the following season after the World Cup in line with plans no doubt already made by FIFA...one hopes.

Chris@88, I remember this guy. Think he was from The North East, like Middlesborough or the like. Like Monty Python he was well ahead of the time, like his humour was not really understood by the majority.

Thanks for mentioning him cos I'd forgotten him before you mentioned his name.

Cheers Bob,

I was wrong about pretty much everything else, so probably wrong about that too. It was Brian who mentioned him first, and like younId forgotten him. YouTube is full of clips of stuff from that era.

It sometimes seemed dated in those days, probably because I was young and listening to Beyond the Fringe or something, but it doesn't now, for sure.

Around the Horne still features on the BBC app.

Senior Whitehall Mandarin, answering phone:

I've got Brown Horrocks on my extension

Kenneth Williams:

Ooh have you tried calamine lotion?

Apologies. Would be two January to November seasons before Qatar 2022

Looks increasing like the Premier League cannot achieve consensus on anything. They where that used to the money flowing in, as the players and clubs where, they don't seem to realise they will need a strategy to rebuild the Premier League, rather than hoping that they can continue as before, continuing to appease self-interest pressure groups amongst the clubs and players.

Finishing this season will be a shambles and will impact into a new season of competitions. Most fans have lost interest by now, so the season is null and void anyway.

Hugh #78, I have Muslim friends that tell me the Quran does not ban alcohol, it is purely an imposition by some of the Muslim countries.

And the countries I've been in that ban alcohol are a lot like the US during prohibition with everyone making their own booze.

Hi Brian... I just googled "Are you putting it around that I'm barmy" and found this

http://www.epicure.demon.co.uk/inthebox.html

Well, I was banging this bird over her kitchen table and the front door goes.

“It's my husband! Try the back door!”

I suppose I should have run away but you don't get an offer like that every day.

Eric (#96); I used to play cricket with a bloke who was Muslim and after the game he used to roll a joint. I asked him once why he smoked but wouldn't touch alcohol and his reason was that it was natural and you were allowed that which occurred in nature.

The only thing that seemed to disallow alcohol was that it is man-made. A bit like televisions supposedly being evil because they are not mentioned in the Bible although given some of the programmes on my TV it is at least bloody awful.

The joke that got Max Miller banned from the BBC in the 1940s:-

"I was walking along this narrow mountain pass - so narrow that nobody else could pass you, when I saw a beautiful blonde walking towards me. A beautiful blonde with not a stitch on, yes, not a stitch on, lady. Cor blimey, I didn't know whether to toss myself off or block her passage!"

Peter,

I'm surprised anyone in the BBC understood it. A bit beneath them perhaps? Outrageous by the standards of the 40s.

Just been listening to a bit of Around the Horne.

"Did you manage to drag yourself up on deck?"

"Ooh no, we stayed casual..."
Jules and Sandy

The BBC probably didn't get that either.

The Goons used to get away with murder on the initial live broadcast, but the repeat later in the week was about 5 minutes shorter.

"Paging Mr Jarse... Mr Hugh Jarse."

I have been mostly absent from ToffeeWeb the last few weeks, as keeping my business afloat has taken most of my attention. 73% of our overall revenues come from local schools and youth sports. You can imagine, it's been quite a month!

But now caught up and having implemented "Operation Abyss" with the company, I return to TW to find Andy Crooks @79 sing due praise to Lyndon and Michael for allowing TW to "veer" a bit.

I couldn't agree more. I veer by nature, and often can't stick to "footy / Everton only" comments.

But right now, having come on and read a bit, I really am grateful for the submissions, banter, and the leeway to veer of course.

Jamie,

I hope you manage to protect your business, I know it must be tough. But with luck and work it can be ok, mate.

My son's little micropub business had a bit of a shock too, having to shut down just 10 days after opening their third pub, with a hefty capital outlay. They're working hard to keep afloat and so far so good, and the customers are rallying around.

But it's a slog.

Keep safe.

Andy @79, I hope all pull through and get well soon.

Bob #75, that's a top corner beauty.

Andy #79, I'm emailing you now.

Chris (#88), in the '60s James Casey, comedian and radio producer, son of Jimmy James, lived on The Northern Road in Crosby. I was a family friend and knew their two children, David and Susan. David was an aspiring artist as well but died suddenly at a young age. I was best man at Susan Casey's first wedding to my best mate.

That's nice to Know Terry. I'll let my sister know. At one stage they were close friends, and she had her tea at our house I'm sure, from time to time.

Broughton Hall I think.

Small old world!

The Susan I knew is Jimmy James's granddaughter, not his niece, Chris, so don't know if it is the same person, sounds as if it could be a family name.

Terry,

It's probably my crap memory, and I suspect it probably was. My sisters name is Margaret, if you speak to Susan at some point. A grandma now with 4 grandchildren!

Jamie#103. Good to have you back. Good luck with everything.

Are people completely mad?

Over 50 cell towers in the UK were vandalized over the weekend, with major telecom companies Vodafone, EE, and BT blaming the fraudulent conspiracy theory that 5G connectivity is the cause of coronavirus.

April 10-13 saw a rise in attacks that followed attacks earlier this month. 22 EE phone masts were vandalized, as reported by the I newspaper, and although not all were successful, houses had to be evacuated as a result and arrests were made. EE also confirmed that the majority of towers damaged do not currently support 5G. Vodafone CEO Nick Jeffrey said in a LinkedIn post that 20 masts were damaged, including those providing connectivity to a hospital in Birmingham. BT CEO Philip Jansen said that 11 towers had been destroyed or damaged by arson, and 39 engineers had been verbally abused or physically assaulted.

Chris, I have no contact with Susan whom I last saw in the very early '80s. The odd thing was that, as the grandaughter of Jimmy James, her first marriage (I know it did not last) was to my mate whose surname is James so she became Susan James.

Michael, nothing should surprise you. Remember a year or two back, when, thanks to the popular press, paedophiles were supposed to be everywhere? I think in Portsmouth some local yokels tracked down a paediatrician and put her windows in. True.

Ok Terry,

I now recall that Susan's dad was a BBC producer, so it is the same person. Never mind, mate. Life unfolds.

Michael/Alan,

It's a microcosm of the bullshit afflicting the human race when bollocks is spread quickly and absorbed by the idiocracy.

I well recall the paediatrician episode, and I think it was as a result of a naming and shaming campaign by the News of the World that led to it. I'm not sure but I think it was on the watch of the woman who used to have ‘country lunches' with Cameron in the Cotswolds.

But given my record on here today, I'm probably wrong.

For some bizarre reason, I looked up Ken Goodwin (from the '70s Comedians TV show). Daft, but laughed my head off for an hour or so.

Hard to beat the Four Yorkshiremen sketch by Monty Python.

Michael Palin: Ahh.. Very passable, this, very passable.

Graham Chapman: Nothing like a good glass of Chateau de Chassilier wine, ay Gessiah?

Terry Jones: You're right there Obediah.

Eric Idle: Who'd a thought thirty years ago we'd all be sittin' here drinking Chateau de Chassilier wine?

MP: Aye. In them days, we'd a' been glad to have the price of a cup o' tea.

GC: A cup ' COLD tea.

EI: Without milk or sugar.

TJ: OR tea!

MP: In a filthy, cracked cup.

EI: We never used to have a cup. We used to have to drink out of a rolled up newspaper.

GC: The best WE could manage was to suck on a piece of damp cloth.

TJ: But you know, we were happy in those days, though we were poor.

MP: Aye. BECAUSE we were poor. My old Dad used to say to me, 'Money doesn't buy you happiness.'

EI: 'E was right. I was happier then and I had NOTHIN'. We used to live in this tiiiny old house, with greaaaaat big holes in the roof.

GC: House? You were lucky to have a HOUSE! We used to live in one room, all hundred and twenty-six of us, no furniture. Half the floor was missing; we were all huddled together in one corner for fear of FALLING!

TJ: You were lucky to have a ROOM! *We* used to have to live in a corridor!

MP: Ohhhh we used to DREAM of livin' in a corridor! Woulda' been a palace to us. We used to live in an old water tank on a rubbish tip. We got woken up every morning by having a load of rotting fish dumped all over us! House!? Hmph.

EI: Well when I say 'house' it was only a hole in the ground covered by a piece of tarpolin, but it was a house to US.

GC: We were evicted from *our* hole in the ground; we had to go and live in a lake!

TJ: You were lucky to have a LAKE! There were a hundred and sixty of us living in a small shoebox in the middle of the road.

MP: Cardboard box?

TJ: Aye.

MP: You were lucky. We lived for three months in a brown paper bag in a septic tank. We used to have to get up at six o'clock in the morning, clean the bag, eat a crust of stale bread, go to work down mill for fourteen hours a day week in-week out. When we got home, our Dad would thrash us to sleep with his belt!

GC: Luxury. We used to have to get out of the lake at three o'clock in the morning, clean the lake, eat a handful of hot gravel, go to work at the mill every day for tuppence a month, come home, and Dad would beat us around the head and neck with a broken bottle, if we were LUCKY!

TJ: Well we had it tough. We used to have to get up out of the shoebox at twelve o'clock at night, and LICK the road clean with our tongues. We had half a handful of freezing cold gravel, worked twenty-four hours a day at the mill for fourpence every six years, and when we got home, our Dad would slice us in two with a bread knife.

EI: Right. I had to get up in the morning at ten o'clock at night, half an hour before I went to bed, (pause for laughter), drink a cup of sulphuric acid, work twenty-nine hours a day down mill, and pay mill owner for permission to come to work, and when we got home, our Dad and our mother would kill us, and dance about on our graves singing 'Hallelujah.'

MP: But you try and tell the young people today that... and they won't believe ya'.

ALL: Nope, nope..

Chris #116,

What goes ha ha ha bump?

A man laughing his head off.

Michael @ 112, I often wonder that myself, and there is a lot of truth in the old sayings, in this case, "a little knowledge is a dangerous thing".

Of course it doesn't help when you have media figures who exacerbate a situation by spouting false information. Eamonn Holmes, a presenter (who personally I have never liked anyway) on ITV This Morning show, started or fuelled the fire on this subject.

https://news.yahoo.com/coronavirus-eamonn-holmes-under-fire-173736837.html

Holmes under the hammer, so to speak.

Brian, the Four Yorkshireman sketch originated on “At Last, The 1948 Show” in 1967 or 68. It included Marty Feldman and Tim Brooke-Taylor. Excerpts were played last week after the sad death of Brooke-Taylor from Coronavirus.

Really funny and iconic sketch, I've heard mates quoting bits of it ever since!

Thanks for taking the time to write it out for us. Funny memories.

Ray @121, like that one mate! :-)

Ray #122, I always thought it came from Derek and Clive? Peter (Cook & Dudley Moore).

Eric, it was definitely the 1948 Show. I used to watch it and also listen to other comedy greats like Round The Horne etc on the radio but the 1948 Show was the Cambridge Footlights crowd plus Aimi McDonald, always referred to as the 'Lovely Aimi McDonald'. Sort of forerunner to Monty Python style of humour. Cleese was also in it.

Eric, also, Derek and Clive were the spectacularly foul mouthed invention of, as you say, Pete and Dud but you wouldn't get away with that sort of language even now!! I first heard those two on a vinyl LP. Language that would shame the Live Forum on Derby Day.

Phil (45) if you or Ray (50) even so much as THINK of Madeline Smith, I swear I won't be responsible.

In fact I might have to go 'full Liam' on your ass..

Link

Eugene. My ass? Like a donkey type thing?

Steady on!

Lots of time to waste on ToffeeWeb so, for a change, I started reading the biography of the film director Ken Loach and his film about Everton and it's supporters in 1968. Bliss, the whole thing is on YouTube.

Have a look to see if you are in the crowd and it's the only film on football I've ever seen with a striptease in it. Watch it (The Golden Vision) at Link

Anyone else see the BBC News at 6? Two patients recovering from Covid-19 (men in 30/40's), both living in and from South East and both wearing LFC/Standard Chartered FC shirts!

Ray @122, I cannot take the credit for typing it, I just copied and pasted it from the net. :-)

I hope the aim of the Premier League is off target.

One is saying, unless we find a vaccine, then social distancing will need to be followed for the rest of this year.

Yet the FA are looking to play some games behind closed doors as long as they adhere to social distancing, so how on earth are players going to keep 2 metres away from each other, especially at corners and also making a tackle?

Am I missing something here that the FA see, and I do not?

Brian #133,

The FA / Premier League cannot focus on anything other than completing the season – lots of dosh involved.

On another forum, somebody made the salient point that, should our neighbours get the two wins they need early in the completion phase, they could play their reserves in the remaining games and be far fresher for the start of the 2020-21 campaign, than other clubs who have something to play for, ie, European and relegation places.

It's impossible to see football returning as we know it before next year now, everyone seems to know that apart from UEFA and the footballing bigwigs.

Sooner the better the individual clubs come out with a plan of what is going to happen with fans season ticket money and they stop going on about extending deadlines for next season's ticket (there will be no fans at stadium this year nor until a vaccine is proven to work).

Stop the dithering and make a bloody decisive decision.

Patrick @134 that is a very good point in regards to fielding reserves.

I would not be suprised either, if they resumed behind closed doors, our neighbours get the points needed, then they decide it's not ideal to carry on behind closed doors. They get the title, no relegation, Leeds and West Brom promoted and final positions taken as they stand.

Eugene (127), was Madeline any relation to Mandy Smith who was married to, for about half an hour, Pat Van Den Hauwe?

Dave #137 – not if it's the Madeline Smith I'm thinking of!

Can't wait! It would be fine without fans in the stadium for a short while. They can use the tarps over the seats with the painted fans and the recordings of fan noise that the Italians use.

Eugene @127, thank your lucky stars it did not do auto correct and put Maggie Smith down.

I think I may have watched my last game of football, given the opinion piece of the rag that should remain nameless.

The return of live TV sport may not seem the top priority in the context of this huge national effort to prevent Covid-19 killing thousands more of us.

But how much less grim the last month would have been if the nation still had footie to focus on.

So it's hugely welcome that the Government hopes soon to get sport back up and running — albeit behind closed doors and subject to a battery of tests to keep players, ­officials and staff safe.

It will be weird without a soul there cheering them on. A bit like a normal county championship cricket match. But it will be far better than nothing... and almost certainly free to view too.

It might even allow the top leagues to finish their season, as well as keeping us all a bit saner as this crisis drags on.

Bring it on.

The return of live TV sport is not a priority. The presence of footie would not have made the last month less grim – preventing the deaths of thousands of people and preventing the deaths of NHS and care workers would have made it less grim. How strange that the Netherlands has voided their top division and the Spanish don't expect to see stadiums occupied until 2021, yet the English Premier League will carry on regardless, almost as if the virus is an unfortunate interruption and those of us who paid up front to watch our team live last season, are expected to be sat at home delighting in the news that ITV or the BBC will have a 'festival' of footy to broadcast.

How is it possible for 22 footballers and the match officials to adhere to social distancing on a football pitch?

Bring it on! Not for me thanks.

"subject to a battery of tests to keep players, ­officials and staff safe."

Meanwhile, people who are genuinely sick cannot get tested or treated but footballers and club staff will be able to?

There would be little to stop symptomless players and staff who have been in isolation for four weeks meeting up, training and playing matches. Test them up front if absolutely necessary but most won't be. Be prepared to re-isolate any team that developed symptoms in any participant.

How valid the matches might be after long breaks from normal training is a different, but valid question. We might get most matches completed.

On the parallel topic, how any discussion about the sexiest ladies of the '60s does not include the great Hattie Jacques is beyond me.

I recently had a request from the Lowry Theatre who are planning a strategy for re-opening when the social distancing rules are relaxed. It included questions such as when I would be prepared to return to the theatre, what arrangements would I be happy with (eg, reduced capacity, spacing between seats etc).

Would it be worth ToffeeWeb / Everton doing something similar, I wonder? I have missed a handful of home matches in the last 15 years or so but am struggling to come to a decision about when I'd be prepared to return to attending matches. Would I be happy, for instance, returning to matches at the start of the next regular season, if allowed to?

The answer is that I doubt it – maybe not until an effective vaccine has been successfully implemented – which may be God knows when.

What do other match goers think? Does there come a point when the punter becomes so bored with social distancing that they say "What the hell?"

What percentage of spectators would be prepared to return? There must be a large number of "older" season ticket holders who might be more cautious than their younger counterparts.

I'm afraid that behind-closed-doors football may become a reality for the foreseeable future. If not, then the suspension of the sport altogether.

Everton and all other clubs need to do some serious long-term planning, I think.

If matches start again behind closed doors, they can only be exhibition. The landscape of these matches would be so far removed from the norm that they just wouldn't be valid within a live competition. The rubric would be too different.

The 'hopeful' reports about a return of the Premier League are just the desperate twitchings of a media who have been salivating at the thought of a RS title and the papers and advertising space that they could shift.

VAR has corrupted the mathematics of the table anyway and there are more teams who stand to lose out of 'Project Restart' than would stand to gain.

Another possible response to a restart would be that, whilst games would be behind closed doors, there would be plenty of fans who congregate outside the grounds and cause a serious public order situation.

Moreover, players being tested and cleared for play is not a guarantee of them being free from the virus, and if other players catch it, they could face a recovery from between 6 and 18 months before their physiology is back to full working order. That is quite a chunk of anyone's career. If I was a player, I would only play again when there was a higher level of confidence in avoiding infection.

But, when all is said and done, how important is sport compared to human life and the fabric of society?

The Echo have included guidelines being proposed in order for clubs to resume training:

Premier League document reveals coronavirus training rules

What a load of rubbish, just cancel the season now. Even if they make a start with this there is so much that can go wrong but, just for starters, what happens if one person (player or official) is suspected of having Covid-19? Desperate for the cash!