Fan Comment

Our Future Is Alternative

We all know what awaits this coming season: Crippling mediocrity, four fun victories that cruelly raise our hopes, and a bad defeat to the gobshites. We'll also draw with them at Goodison after VAR rules out a Van Dijk own goal because Klopp's mistress found it upsetting.

It is of course the hope that kills you, so let me sink the knife in real deep and posit an alternative future in which things are rather rosy by the end of next season. Think of it like a Robert Harris or Philip K Dick alternative history novel, but in reverse… and happy.

Also, I'll be honest and say that initially I was going to put us at 8th or 9th for next season, but then I thought, nay, this is literature. Let's aim for the stars - 6th in the league and proud winners of the FA Cup. (I know, I know...)

So here goes… Season 2020-21

Goalkeeper

Pickford matures a lot and gurns much less. He does quite well for us and almost gets called up for Euro 2021 (surely they can't continue to call it Euro 2020?).

Defence

The rosiest of the lot. Mason continues to prosper and does get the England call-up. Between them, Keane and Mina do a capable job alternating as his partner. The young ‘uns, Branthwaite and Gibson, are very promising when called upon.

On the flanks, Digne continues to Digne and Coleman or Kenny are decent. No more, no less.

Midfield

That gaping cesspit of despair. But verily, what is this? Is it the sun banishing clouds?

Gbamin makes a full recovery and turns out to be very good. Like Gueye, but with a bit more creativity on the ball. Oh, and a bit of a nasty tackler too. Shame about Andy Robertson's cruciate...

Delph consults a sports psychologist who tells him to cop the eff on, and if all else fails simply pretend that he still plays for Man City. He follows that advice. Also, he only misses 16 games of the season to injury.

Gomes recovers full fitness and shielded by Gbamin and Delph rediscovers a sense of joy and those Iberian twinkle toes of his.

On the wing, Gordon impresses. In three years we'll complain that the only reason he doesn't play for England is because he plays for Everton.

Tom Davies, cosseted by a weird sense of competence at Finch Farm, swings his pendulum back to enterprising tyro. He makes 22 appearances, many as sub, and at end of the season Alan Shearer does some boring analysis on MotD and surmises that he's a very underrated player.

The one midfielder we buy for £27m (they all cost £27m now) minutes before the deadline turns out to be passionate, professional, committed and just very good. Strange. Let's just say it's Allan. I don't know, I've never seen him play. Or some bloke from Sevilla. Doesn't matter.

Gylfi Sigurdsson and Alex Iwobi discover a mutual love for cooking and start a catering company. Brands gives them the Finch Farm canteen contract which coincidentally equals their annual salaries… A few weeks later Bernard joins their team as head waiter*. No more FFP worries.

Attack

Richarlison continues to go from strength to strength. Barcelona bid e300m, but he says no, maybe in two years. And then only if Koeman apologises for having been a shit to us.

Calvert-Lewin — PLOT TWIST. We sell him for £35m to Newcastle and invest half the money in some 29-year-old striker from Norway who's half decent. To be honest, I don't really care because…

Moise Kean: The boy comes good. The instinct and fire that many (though not all of us) have recognised in glimpses comes to the fore and he decides to stop giving a fuck, but in the best possible sense. He scores 22 in the league, seven in cups, including the winner against plucky underdogs Brentford in the FA Cup final.

He rubbishes rumours of a big move to Madrid, saying he needs to get 30 the next season.

Injuries

Let's inject some realism into this. Our push for fourth place is hampered by injuries big and small to the following players - Ramirez, Tosun, Besic, Bolasie,

So, that's it lads. Three minutes of wishful thinking to allay the ever-present doom and gloom... You're welcome…

Of course, it's nonsense but I do think there's a grain of truth in there in that if we land one decent midfield purchase and one or two of our existing midfield underachievers get a grip on themselves and start playing, that it might turn the entire mood and we might at least do a lot better than this season.

*Apologies to Bernard. I really like him, but he's in the wrong league isn't he?

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