Colm's Corner
Columnist: Colm Kavanagh

The Shaman’s Blues - Sliding Doors!
16 September 2005

Woke up this morning, feeling blue.  Oh yeah.  Very blue.  Smile prepared.  Ready to smile through gritted teeth and to face the fucking ignorant twats who’d be in to annoy the living bejaysus outa me.  It’s hard being an Evertonian at times – and contrary to popular belief you do not have to reside on Merseyside to experience that particular feeling.

I think it’s our perverse nature that sees us taking the piss out of ourselves.  As if Moyes’s lot didn’t do enough damage Thursday night with a fucking appalling capitulation that would embarrass a Sunday League side.  Professional footballers, you’re having a laugh? 

Anyway, an early morning cup of coffee, two slices of toast (wholemeal) and the legend himself, Jim Morrison, put in a guest appearance my head.  At half five in the morning!  The Lizard King spoke…

“When the music’s over, turn out the lights,” he told me. 

“This is the end, my only friend, the end,” I returned, feeling the ould knees trembling. 

“Well I’ve been down so Goddamn long!” screamed Jim from beyond the grave.

“Fucking TELL ME ABOUT IT JIM – I’M AN EVERTONIAN.”

“Five to One baby, one in five……….” taunted Jim.

I didn’t allow him to finish his line, interrupting with – “…can’t wait to get out of Bucharest, it’s a fucking dive!”  

“Come together one more time?  Get together one more time?” he grunted.

“Fuck no, Jim – the club want twenty away stubs and I’m not paying those prices to go on a club package with some fly-by-night cowboys.”  Speaking of which…..nah, can’t be arsed, I’ll only get a bad name amongst those with their heads still up their arses thinking any criticism of the Club is ill-founded.

Anyway, did Jim truly believe we could overturn a four-goal deficit?  He repeated his call, “Come together one more time!  Get together one more time!”  Was there a hidden meaning?  Was Jim telling me we’re gonna defy the odds and not alone have four shots on target in the return leg but…..but…..we’re GONNA WIN?!  Jim?  JIM? 

“Ah fuck off, would yer Jim!” says I, not enamoured with his mischievous ways.

“Time to hesitate is through.  No time to wallow in the mire.  Try now we can only lose.”

“No shit, Jim”, he knows we’re at Arsenal next!  Please please please show me the way to the next whiskey bar! 

I think we’ll need to down a few large ones over the coming weeks.  Riders on the Storm iz rite kidda – “into this house we’re born, into this world we’re thrown, like a dog without a bone, an actor out alone (hi Bill!), riders on the storm.”  Indeed.  Perfect for Evertonians at this time.  I suggest an instant replacement for Z Cars!  Never an Easy Ride being a Blue, is it?  Strange days indeed!

And then he disappeared through the sliding door, leaving me to mull over the apparent emergence of Everton 2004 revisited.  Not a pretty thought.

So…. what in God’s name has gone wrong with Everton?  Answers on the back of a postcard, please.  The non-signing of a prolific goalscorer; the getting shut of now re-signed (PANIC!) left backs and a manager who, like it or not, has dithered over signings, players now elsewhere – all contributing factors to this present “oh shit, we’re fucked” mentality that has seemingly engulfed the entire fanbase!

Moyes out?  Get to fuck!  Suddenly Moyesy has become a shit manager, not good enough for Everton?  Christ, if the Board can somehow persevere with Walter Smith for as long as they did then it’s the least they can do, afford Moyes the time needed to turn around (again) the mess we’re in.  Absolutely no denying we’re bogged down in a very bad run of form and results.  No excuses being offered by this Evertonian whatsoever. 

But Moyes remains the man who stopped us from heading down into Division One.  Turned it around with a seventh place finish the following season, albeit running out of steam towards the back end of that season.  He’s the man who then saw the shit hit the fan with a player revolt and once Everton were safe we nosedived once more.  He turned that around, a minus into a plus.  I do believe we finished in fourth place the following season – defying ALL logic.  And now he’s shite, eh?  The whipping boy – the recipient of our ire?  Fuck me, we’re really something else if we genuinely believe we’d be better off getting shut of Moyesy…

Look at two managers:  Alan Curbishley and George Burley.  I’ll begin with Burley as comparisons are being made with Everton today and Burley’s Ipswich experience of a few seasons back.  They suffered, on the back of a great season.  Trying to build a bigger and better squad for the European adventure that lay waiting, Ipswich buried themselves in debt (Finidi George a fine example) and the team, dumped out of Europe, struggled domestically, ultimately leading to relegation. 

It all ended in tears for the then Manager of the Year with the sacking of Burley.  I’ve no doubt there were many Ipswich fans who thought then that Burley had to go.  The thing is though, Burley’s currently proving himself to be a decent manager once more, at Hearts where they’re flying high at the moment, top of the Scottish Premier League.   A good manager learns by his mistakes and pray tell where are Ipswich Town these days?  Have they sufficiently improved since getting shut of Burley?  Open to debate that one!

Onto Alan Curbishley, one of the finest managers around today.  Again, I have no doubt that over the past few seasons he’s had to put up with many Charlton Athletic fans calling for his head.  Charlton, if we are to stick rigidly to form, will begin each season and fall away drastically after Christmas.  It triggers the standard “he’s taken us as far as we can go” shite from fans who forget where he’s taken them from.  Upton Park and Selhurst Park have both become temporary homes for the then nomadic Addicks (sounds good that!) as The Valley became a derelict site.  Up and down, from the Premiership to Division One (or whatever it’s called these days) but gradual growth all along has seen Charlton Athletic become one of the Premiership’s better examples of a well run club.  It won’t be long now before they’ve got a capacity greater than ours at Goodison Park.  THAT should put Everton to shame but it won’t. 

We’ll carry on in oblivious ignorance of the growth around us.  Furthermore, Curbishley continues his public façade of softly softly – deep down I suspect there’s an inner desire to see his team upset the odds by getting in on the act for European qualification.  God knows they’ve gone close over recent years.  Despite the waxing lyrical here, an appreciation of Curbishley as a fine manager, he’s made enough fuck ups of his own.  They all do!  Moyes included.  You take the rough with the smooth and right now we’re anything but smooth.  But is there proper reason for us to scream for Moyes’s head?  I think not.

Oh hang on, here’s Jim Morrison again.  Maybe he could sort out the Ship of Fools down Goodison Road…..

This is the End!

Colm Kavanagh

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