Paul Holmes blames everything on Bill Kenwright and TBH 

 PARADISE LOST

Are we truly cursed?  Surely they are all good Evertonians whose ashes are scattered at the Street End?  Has the now “decrepit”, as the ground is now described by every article in The Independent, been built on some former asylum of 10,000 maniacs?  Is Glen Hoddle right: did we commit some terrible crime in a previous life to curse us as Evertonians?  What on earth has been done to land us with such atrocious circumstances?

The close season, watching the finest players in Europe displaying their skills, maybe even seeing the national team surpass their Fifa ranking of 13th... a few beers, nice weather, an escape from the worry of the start of the new season…  Oh no, not for Evertonians, not just the back pages, the Rooney-mania is inescapable, it's everywhere.  Is there any other group of fans beginning to squirm every time their player's name is mentioned?  Part of our enjoyment, in what is turning out to be a very memorable tournament, is tainted by the ridiculous hype.  He's good; not the finished article, but world-beater?  World at his feet!  What, after 1 goal v the Swiss and one run v France?  Perhaps Evertonians are more guilty than any others over the hype.  He's one of us, apparently.  Gerrard is a die hard Kopite also, apparently.

You suddenly remember that the football celebrity obsession is a relatively new phenomenon.  Cast your minds back 6 years: Owen bursts on the scene.  The goal he scored was truly remarkable, however that was in the WORLD CUP, v ARGENTINA!  Was he feted and lauded as much as this?  Think again: who was Beckham 6 years ago?  Is that the time football died?

Shhh… anyone hear the one about Arsenal wanting Rooney, but can't afford him?  So they want him to stay at EFC another season, then he can move for a snip?  Henry thinks he's good, but they'd better get in the queue, because Ruud wants him at Man U.  So does Terry at Chelsea, and “Lamps”, who hasn't sorted out his new contract, he wants more money, and to be on the same wage as Crespo.  His agent is threatening Chelsea with a move to AC Milan, 'cos they pay massive wages and fees… er… don't they?  Gerrard, who hasn’t moved to Chelsea just yet, is suggesting that Rooney should follow him 'cos their girlfriends get on.  They must have great conversations.  “Like the tan Coll, nice highlights, so you've got a Jacob and Co. watch too!!  So how long did you have to stalk him to nail him Colleen?”  “I didn't, we were childhood sweethearts, what about you?”  “6 months, Blue Bar mainly!”  They'll both fit right in on Sloane street!

What more could EFC do in order to invite Chelsea to bid for Rooney?  Will they simply dress him up in a dufflecoat, wellies, sowester hat, give him a suitcase and deliver him one way from Lime street to Paddington with a ticket on him addressed “R Abramovich, do not return?  Please forward cheque for £45M — oh by the way, could you make it out to TBH please, one of our shareholders wants his money back”.

Is it not obvious that Mourinho is his own man and will not be told who to buy by Roman A or the media or his current playing staff?  Maybe not, perhaps he's just image over substance and riding the Abramovich gravy train.  Apparently Deco is on his way there for £18M; he knows the player, has his sights on another... why would he want Wayne when he's already stated he wants to look at the squad he's inherited?  He wants to scale the squad down and carefully execute his own re-building plan over a 3-year period.  Should he buy Gerrard, a far more astute acquisition, why would he want Wayne?  That Robben looks good, arguably better than Wayne in fact, and he's already paid for, a snip in comparison to the value the media, ably aided by EFC, have put on the youngster's head.

“Well, selling him would settle the debt.”  Where and when did this ridiculous myth originate?  Does anyone imagine that Birch can phone up EFC's bondholders and get an early settlement figure on their outstanding debt?  This isn't a Ford Focus on hire purchase with a “final option purchase” value attached, regulated by the consumer credit act.  It’s a £35M structured finance deal with the debt held by bondholders.  The only way a discount could be achieved is with the immediate threat of administration, or by offering perhaps a £50M payment now.  The club is two years into payments of £35M and approx. £12M overdrawn at the bank, with mounting bills to pay and a transfer fund to find.  Selling Rooney, for £20M spread, plus Forlan coming this way, will alter nothing.  It'll keep us afloat for another season or two, nothing else.  Having created the mountain of debt, the blame for the sale of Rooney will lie entirely with the majority shareholders.  To sell the option on Rooney for £20M HARD CASH would not even paper over the financial cracks.

Nice one Sharpy, a paid employee of the club now suggesting that Rooney may have to move on, “The lure will be too much I'd like him to stay but we may have to be realistic”.  So the legend is now Kenwright's poodle, what a let down.  How very reasonable and generous of you, Graeme.

Its fascinating to witness the blame being directed in ProActive's direction.  How far are we from the “one greedy bastard” chants?  Fact: EFC are driving this agenda forward.  The problem is how to continually appear to be the injured party as the story unfolds, whilst prostituting the player's services around Europe.  Without an asset sale of some magnitude, we are buried.  Having installed Birch, he now conveniently provides the ideal scapegoat for Kenwright.  It is worth noting that, having had time to establish the financial situation, Birch has obviously come to the conclusion that liquid funds are now needed, rapidly.  How the situation is “spun” is not his concern.  However, worryingly and within the first few days of his appointment, the stadium issue was dragged back from the depths of hell.  Then he jets off to Portugal in an attempt to annoy Wayne into signing a new five-year deal.  Hardly the auspicious start we were hoping for.

The decision has been made that liquid funds are needed in the next few months in order to stave off the threat of insolvency, therefore there is only one method to raise money.  Bill`s nice “warm glow” when he sees the boy in blue, must have now also changed fittingly to blue as the anti-freeze works over time with the realisation dawning that the lad can play another season, take care of himself in a Dunc, “I have a niggle so I'm not coming into training” fashion, and then move for a pittance.

The manner in which, in a whisper here and there, the powers at EFC point the blame anywhere but in their own direction, is truly disgusting.  To now create a Wayne v Moyes battle to be played out in the media is repellent.  It's what we are used to; why should we expect any better?  It's just another twist in the legacy of the vile culture of spin that has been created over the last few seasons within the club.

Sven's comment that clubs should get in touch with Rooney's agent, not his club, but his agent.  Thanks Sven; nice one, tells EFC exactly where we are in this epic “power struggle”.  Sven wouldn't have uttered those comments if he'd been a Man U player, Ferguson would have put him in his place, but we are Everton.  To Sven, EFC might as well be Blackpool.  EFC do not “own” Rooney, they “own” his two-year contract, which gives the club very little bargaining power, and rightly so.

I wonder what young Wayne's reaction would be if he was asked the question in one of these Ing-er-lund press conferences that he just about navigates in a, “Well he's only young; what do you expect” style…  “Are you flattered by all the speculation regarding your links to ManU, Chelsea, and Real, Wayne?”  I'll hazard a bet that TBH and Birch would be gutted if he said:

“Uh?  What?  I don`t read the back pages.  I'm always on my Game Boy.  I'm happy At EFC, they gave me a nice new contract last year, I've got a cool car, moved me mum and dad from Crocky to Sandfield Park, Coleen thinks I'm gorgeous (sees my genius).  She even described me as a worse looking more stupid version of Will Carling the other day, and he went on to be England captain!  Pepsi are giving me loads of money, I got me Uncle Eammon Bud for a year (he wanted two), I've been offered £1M for my story, even though I've only had two seasons.  Anyhow, I'm an Evertonian.  I play for Everton and want to get us back into the big time, now fuck off!”

There was a window of opportunity last summer.  Having finished seventh, our stock was high.  The management appeared impressive, we had unearthed a potential gem and the Board critically chose not to invest in the quality of the playing staff.  The tipping point between potential success and abject failure was never so apparent.  Negotiation with Radznksi and Graveson should have taken place last summer — not this.

Well, I suppose we asked for it. The Everton for Change brigade and others managed to wake up Kenwright from his stupor.  It reminds me of the trailer trash pleading for the monarch to comfort her subjects upon Diana's death.  Our great leader comes out and spouts the usual belicose rubbish.

Ground move; according to highly placed sources at Mersey Docks and Harbour, it is a possibility.  However, lets get wise, it would never be a shared stadium, LFC would own it and we would be allowed to use it, for a fee.  LFC would be the landlords.  Once agai,n a crucial opportunity missed.  If EFC had driven the agenda on Kings Dock in the right manner with LFC involvement then perhaps there was an opportunity for the city, as a whole, to be united behind one development.

“We've secured the training ground after receiving planning permission.”  Really?  We haven't paid for it though have we?  In fact, all that EFC have done is spend a little bit of money to get planning permission on land they don't own.  Smacks of a watered down version of Kings Dock to me...  How can you secure land without paying for it Bill?  Don't tell me, EFC are the “provisional preferred bidder”.  When Rooney has gone, expect this: “I'm just as hurt as any other Evertonian, the money is irrelevant, we wanted him to stay but it's not the clubs decision, agents today……”

Williamson and Bilic are to blame for Everton's financial mess now, apparently.  That’s a new one, we all know it's Johnson's fault; Sharpy told us.  Let me help you with some simple maths, Bill — but before I do: Bilic and Williamson.  Their contracts were terminated early, due to injury.  The insurance policies, on both, paid up their contract value.  There was a loss on their transfer value, but that’s dwarfed by the mistakes and blunders made under your monarchy.  Please do not attempt to insult our intelligence that the financial mess you got us into stemmed from those two signings.

Walter Smith; you gave him a five-year deal upon your coronation, total exit cost, when taking Moyes's settlement to Preston and Archie's severance pay into consideration, £3M. Here`s just a few more:

• Ferguson bought back for £4.5M; no value
• Pistone cost £4M; no value
• Watson cost £3M; no value
• Stubbs: no value
• Gravesen cost £3M; little value
• Radzinski cost £4.5M; little value
• Campbell cost £3.5M, no value
• Naysmith cost £2M; no value
• Carsley cost £2.5M; no value
• Alexandersson cost £3.5M; no value
• Nyarko cost £4.5M; no value.

Bill, we salute you!  Outstanding achievement.  You couldn’t have done it any better if you had set out to ruin the club.  Your Directors' blunders have cost the club in the region of £40M over the past 3 years.  Notwithstanding the other wasteful indulgent ventures.  We can all lament that these were the signings of the previous manager, but you guys signed the cheques!

Consider this, if efforts had been made to extend Radzinski's contract last year, he would still have transfer value; similarly Graveson, if he wanted to move on.  We would never have regained the approx. £7M layout for them, but even a return of £3M or £4M would have given us some capital to delve into the market place with; now we'll have nothing. 

You could repeat this financial exercise with another pair of “beauts”, Pistone and Carsley.  Bought for a combined £6M; now worthless.  We could have received £2M or £3M last season; now nothing.  Any business at this level mitigates losses, historically that's the football business model.  The money for Pistone and Carsely last year could have bought: Dean Ashton, Robert Earnshaw, therefore we wouldn't be short upfront and may have finished higher, receiving more Sky funds…… Rocket science?  Its not even the cheap chemistry sets for 7-year-olds they don't sell in Argos anymore.

So if you want to find where the money has gone, Bill: you've spent it, spunked it, wasted it.  Driven us into the hole that we can only get out of if you find a mug club to pay £30M cash for Rooney.

Portugal v Spains on, anyone got a Chang beer, or £60M of Thai money?

Agent Kenwright... mission accomplished.

Paul Holmes
21 June 2004
 

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