Colm's Corner
Columnist: Colm Kavanagh

“Havin’ A Macedonia!”
16 May 2006

It was the day after April Fool’s Day, 1997.  The venue: Skopje, capital city of the Former Yugoslavian Republic of Macedonia.  The game was a World Cup qualifier, European Group 8 to be precise, the home nation facing a Mick McCarthy-led Republic of Ireland side under reconstruction, the great memories of Italia ’90 and a day out in New Jersey in ’94 becoming ever distant.  Still, no one expected those ‘plucky’ former Yugoslavs to rise to the occasion, as they did.  Ireland were woeful, perhaps it was those ill-fated new orange away shirts they wore which caused the confusion but whatever the reasons, the fact was that Ireland traipsed home defeated, heads bowed, on the wrong end of a 3-2 scoreline.  The embarrassment of that result gave birth to the rather amusing “I’ve Had A Macedonia” t-shirt, a shockingly bright yellow garment worn during training by the player designated to have been the worst player during the previous match, or day’s training.

Less than twelve months on from an amazing fourth place finish in the Premiership, we have plenty of eligible candidates at Everton for donning this infamous yellow t-shirt as, collectively, “we’ve had a Macedonia”.  The season just finished matched any of the garbage served up in the name of Everton Football Club under the tutelage of Walter Friggin’ Smith.  Hindsight’s a wonderful thing, no doubt, but it was called by many last summer that the failure to sign a proven goalscorer would prove costly.  The impetus gained from the fourth place finish was frittered away, a season of opportunities lost before it got started.  Before the season was three months old it was already a salvage operation.  All talk of mounting late pushes for Europe was simply hot air.  And the natives are, in the main, restless.  Brassed off.  Some renewing.  Some not.

Anyhow, what’s done is done; we should, I suppose, be thankful for not having to sweat over the last month or two, fearful that our membership as a Premiership also-ran was about to expire.  Where to now, Everton?

It’s stating the obvious that we need to overhaul the first team squad.  Moyes has had four full seasons now to set in place his team.  If what we have at present is his vision for the future, then I’m shitting bricks!  All good sides require a strong spine and we sure as hell do not possess the backbone of a good side.  If James Beattie is to be our regular goalscorer then he needs a partner, and better service from both flanks.  It was interesting to hear Bob Latchford’s view recently, when he was promoting his book, ‘30’, asked for his opinion on Beattie’s ability to score the necessary goals — the pressure arguably greater on Beattie, playing in a team that simply does not score enough goals.  Rather than dwell on any perceived flaws in Beattie’s game he focused on the lack of supply provided from the wings.  Without quality crosses, Beattie’s a bit of a lame duck.  Oh for someone of Dave Thomas’s ability to become available! 

If we do see Andy van der Meyde heading elsewhere for another nice pay-cheque, then so be it... but he’ll need replacing — and that’s where the problems arise!  There’s a dearth of quality wingers out there, available and within our budget.  I simply cannot see us having enough in the kitty to prize away someone half-decent.  The best I believe we can hope for is for someone like Chelsea to willingly offload someone like Shaun Wright-Phillips on loan and preferring he comes to a club like Everton, who won’t pose any threat to their dominance next season.  Dream on?

It remains to be seen whether or not the arrival of Tim Howard (borrowed from Manchester United for one season) inspires the defence in front of him.  If we continue with David Weir and Alan Stubbs at the heart of the Everton defence, then I fear for poor old Tourrette Syndrome sufferer, Howard.  Pace has become such an integral part of Premiership football these days and it is sadly lacking at Goodison Park.  If only Moyes had opted to make Matteo Ferrari’s loan deal permanent, eh?  Mindful of the farce and ‘commercial sensitivity’ surrounding the departure of Per Krøldrup, it will be interesting to see what price we pay for any incoming centre-halves.  Hopefully any arrival won’t be offset by the (necessary?) departure of Joseph Yobo...

There’s also one minor flaw in our ability to add quality to the side — and that’s money.  We have little strength in depth, to enable the manager to promote from within, and our reserve side is heavily reliant on kids coming through the Academy, not yet prepared for the jump to senior level.  It’s simple, stating the obvious: we need money.  Investment.  Are we going to see any this summer?  Your guess is as good as mine but I’m not expecting to read of Bill Kenwright, on location in a fantasy world somewhere in dusty Arizona, or Keith Wyness securing the required investment needed to fund such a glorious overhaul of the playing side of matters.

It’s a massive summer for David Moyes.  There have been many days and nights this past season when his selections and his tactics have driven me mad, the football has been morose... but, like it or not, the guy deserves another crack next season.  I can understand the widespread frustration amongst Evertonians but replacing Moyes, for the sake of it, will not eradicate all our current woes.  Aye, there’s a part of me that wouldn’t be sorry if we cut our losses now and somehow managed to wheel out Martin O’Neill holding aloft an Everton scarf as the next Everton manager, but that I simply cannot see happening. 

It’s like Groundhog Day once more for David Moyes; he needs to learn from his own mistakes (again!), as appeared the case two summers back.  I think most Evertonians can cope with watching a side losing more games than winning but the lack of quality in our play has at times been shocking.  With that in mind, I believe signing one or two ‘characters’ wouldn’t go amiss.  There are very few players in the squad you might consider as ‘leaders’, be that on or off the field. Interesting to hear how much of our success in 2004-05 was attributed to the US leg of the pre-season itinerary, now that we’re returning again in July to America.  Maybe one or two characters will emerge from within on that trip...

If, by chance, we kick off next season in a similar fashion to the one just finished, then I would expect those already sharpened knives to be well and truly out — not only for David Moyes but also for this current Board we’ve got.  In typical Evertonian pessimistic fashion (it comes natural, eh!) I’ve already marked a date in the calendar, next season, the first international ‘window of opportunity’ afforded to nervous Boardrooms at struggling clubs, when players are away on international duty (Uefa 2008 qualification) for two games inside a week, October 7 – 11.  It’s a ‘window’ we’ve used at Goodison before, to enforce managerial change.

If we rewind to a famous day at Goodison Park, back in May 1994, when Wimbledon were the visitors — our Premiership survival in serious danger.  Thank the Lord; we prevailed, somehow, that day.  Afterwards, a sprightly, joyous Everton director stepped out onto the hallowed turf, scarf placed lovingly over the shoulders, camera in his face, his relief there for all to see –

“Today… this is the start…. ”, he began.  “It’s a trite expression, and I hate it, but this is the start…. this is a new beginning for Everton.  We’ve got a terrific manager; he knows what he wants for the Club.  We’ve got the best supporters in the country as we proved today.  People are pleased… Alan Sugar rang me the minute the whistle blew.  Sam Hamman came up to me and put his arms around me and said ‘listen, we’re really pleased you’re still in the Premier League.’  We are where we belong…”

Just three months into the following season, that ‘terrific manager’ (Mike Walker) was sacked.  Possibly because we were where that team belonged.  Bottom.  Playing shite unattractive football.  David Moyes might be facing a similar exit, either of his own volition, or due to the Board needing to act, if we’re scrapping at the foot of the Premiership next Autumn.  Keith Wyness will be having canaries with the prospect of a further decrease in turnover and his PowerPoint presentation at the following AGM will show a smaller than hoped for Everton bubble in his slide show! When people are looking for scalps, it’s always the manager who walks the plank first. 

The chairman, on the other hand, has a movie about cowboys to make this summer.  “For a few dollars more?” — the search into the west, following the Oregon Trail for hidden riches, foreign investment and flat-pack stadiums to relocate beside the Mersey?

Hard times lie ahead for the wheeler-dealer that Davey Moyes must become.  The stats don’t lie:  in good or bad times, and our goal haul since Moyes came to the Club is poor, to say the least.  Over the past four seasons we have scored a grand total of 172 League goals in 152 League games – hardly inspiring.  It’s a startling fact that we celebrated a fourth place finish in 2004-05 with a meagre 45 goals scored, a total ‘achieved’ the previous season when we nose-dived down the Premiership (upon reaching safety), finishing in seventeenth.  Something’s gotta give Davey, something’s gotta give.

Otherwise there just might be a shockingly bright yellow garment waiting in the back seat of a taxi sometime next October!

Colm Kavanagh

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