Fans Comment
Rob Williamson

Just sign here
5 March 2006

Now that Robbie Keane has signed a new contract with Spurs and shown by his excellent brace on Saturday that he's staying put, we can finally stop the ridiculous fantasizing about him ever likely to sign for Everton.  However, it doesn’t stop us imagining the likely conversation that might have taken place between him and David Moyes had we ever approached him……

Moyes: ‘Hello Robbie. Here’s the contract, just sign there.’

Keane: ‘Hang on a bit Davey…

Moyes: ‘That’s Mr Moyes to you sonny’

Keane: ‘Sorry, Mr Moyes, but there’s just a few questions I’d like to ask first before I sign.’

Moyes: ‘OK Fire away – if you must’

Keane: ‘Well first of all, how much are you offering me, as a weekly wage?’

Moyes: ‘We can go up to as much as £30k a week’

Keane: ‘But that’s less than I’m getting now – and about £20 grand less than Spurs are offering me to re-sign!’

Moyes: ‘Yeah. Y’see the thing is, the board can raise the transfer fee because they can pay that on the never-never, but with salaries they have to pay them from Day One. And either they can’t or won’t do that. But money’s not important to you is it? ... remember we were in Europe this season.’

Keane: ‘Oh yeah. And how long was that for? One round in each competition. That’s about 2 weeks – I’ve spent longer in Europe on holiday!’
‘And what about your style of play? What tactics do you prefer?’

Moyes:' We've considered boring the opposition to death but generally I like to get it forward as soon as possible to a big man up front. We did have a centre-back who insisted on passing the bloody thing – Kalledup or Kolddrip or something. Well, I soon got rid of him !’

Keane: ‘A big man up front? Where do you want me to play then?’

Moyes: ‘Well, I was thinking of left back. I know we’ve already got three on the books but I think you can never have too many. And, have you ever played in goal? We’ve only got 5 at the moment’

Keane; ‘Mmm. Okay, well maybe I’ll come back to that. What about the squad – are you building for the future?

Moyes: ‘Definitely son. I know that the cynics will point to the fact that the average age of the squad has actually gone up since I took over but you wait and see…’

Keane: ‘ So you do give youngsters a chance then’ Moyes: ‘Aye I do. You just look at the number of young lads who I’ve had sitting on the bench. Gerrard, Fox, Schumacher, Pascucci….’

Keane: ‘ So they’ve all been given a chance in the team?

Moyes: ‘No I got rid of them. I think it’s really important to rotate the squad. And moving them on to the bench and then off again is as good a way of rotation as I can think of.’

Keane: ‘I see. And what about Rooney? Why did you get rid of him?

Moyes: ‘Business and forward thinking son. The money raised allowed us to bring in and retain some more young and exciting talent to the club - like Davey Weir, Phil Neville, Sandro Pistone and Alan Stubbs. I think you’ll agree we got the best part of that deal.’

Keane: ‘I see. Anyway, I’d like to get an overview of the whole club. Tell me about the ground. It’s getting on a bit now isn’t it? What developments have been made there over the past few years?’

Moyes: ‘Oh. Loads and loads. The gravel is now blue and have you seen the size of that marquee in the car park? Tremendous! The board really have dug deep for that’

Keane: ‘And the Academy and training facilities?

Moyes: ‘First class. The portakabins are amongst the best you’ll find anywhere and I’ve just heard that English Heritage have applied for a preservation order on Bellefield. But enough about what a great team and wonderful facilities you’ll soon be part of, before you sign I’d just like to say something. It says in the paper that you are a ‘forward who scores goals and has got great pace’. Those words worry me as I don’t understand any of them and it’s clearly something we need to sort out… but never mind that, here’s the biro.’

Keane: ‘Thanks Davey… sorry, Mr Moyes, maybe I’ll get back to you.’

For Keane, substitute Emre, Parker, Bellamy, Forssell etc etc

Rob Williamson


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