2022 Toffeeweb Predictions

by   |   03/01/2022  36 Comments  [Jump to last]


‘tis January 2nd and Ebenezer Kenrick unlocks the office to ensure that Lyndon Cratchit gets back to work, after his generous second day off over the “festive” season.

Kenrick is so stingy that Lyndon has to work, standing at his tall, wooden desk, with only a small fire for warmth, his long comforter scarf dangling down to his dirty breeches. He occasionally tries to warm his mittened hands at the candle.

“Christmas never brought any good to anybody”, grumbles Kenrick, “least of all Everton. Now get that report on the New Year's Day match written!”

At a Toffeeweb pre-match drink in the Crown, Dave Abrahams announces that he’s been awarded an OBE in the New Year Honours list, “for a century of posting his football memories”.

“I’m overwhelmed,” says Dave, “I’d buy everybody a drink but I don’t carry cash.”

Meanwhile, in the back of their Rolls-Royce (chauffeur-driven, Denise Barrett-Baxendale doing her bit for charity again), Jennie Seagrove consoles Bill Kenwright who blubs “I’ve just been told it was a clerical error – I’ve only been awarded an OBOE”.

Derek Knox takes to ToffeeWeb to ask whether it was pink.


Hit by injuries to a depleted senior squad, Rafa Benitez injects some young blood into the squad – “David Unsworth will fill a huge gap in defence”, he tells the gathered press with a wry smile.

Meanwhile, Farhad Moshiri, looking for a reasonably intelligent Under-23s coach to stand in for Unsworth, and recalling President Lyndon Johnson’s old line about Gerald Ford, says he’s not asking for much, just wants somebody who can “chew gum and walk a straight line at the same time”.

Holgate tweets, imploringly, “I can chew gum!”

New signing Mykolenko tweets that he’s just seen Iwobi in training – “great pace but they tell me his tackle is nothing to write home about”.


Everton appoint up-and-coming (again) head coach, David Moyes, who says he wants determination, effort and, above all else, loyalty.

Ebenezer Kenrick says just before the Saturday game that the Live Forum will be closed down for the day if there are any more fish puns.

Rob Halligan posts on Live Forum about a Mersey Trout - and promptly gets banned.

“That’s just shit!” says Rob.

“Bramley-Moore Dock – that’ll never happen,” writes Nobby Naysayer on ToffeeWeb.

Later in the day, Everton release the latest video of reinforced concrete pillars being erected for the new stadium at Bramley-Moore Dock.


It’s the morning of the first day of April and the head coach announces that Fabian Delph should be back to full fitness for the game tomorrow. “No, seriously”, he swears, trying to counter the titters from the press.

Mike Gaynes is still hurting from being told by a ToffeeWeb punter that, as a Yank, and not attending games at Goodison, he knows little about football and can’t comment on what actually happens in games.

Later that day, said punter proceeds to lose a pony betting on Holgate to be able to chew gum and walk a straight line in that day’s match.

“Stupid punt”, posts Mike, having trouble with some of the keys on his typewriter.


Derek Knox organises another successful golf day. In the bar afterwards, Derek asks for contributions to a collection for charity – “folding money only”, he requests.

Dave Abrahams drops into the collection box a fifty-pence piece with a hinge.

David Moyes announces his premature departure for pastures new, and blames the players for their lack of loyalty.

Everton’s freshly-appointed head coach, Duncan Ferguson, predicts that Rondon should be fully fit for the start of the FA Cup campaign. Says Duncan, “I’m looking forward to leading training; I’ll knock these wasters into shape; any complaints and we’ll have a little ‘tête-à-tête’, if you know what I’m saying.”

Half the squad mutter under their breath that they rarely know what Duncan’s saying.


Acknowledging Duncan’s vote of confidence, Rondon is seen returning early for pre-season training on his own. “I’m going to hit the ground running this season”.

Later that morning a groundkeeper helps him up from the ground.

“BMD – that’ll never happen” writes Nobby Naysayer on ToffeeWeb.

Later in the day, Everton release the latest video of concourses being constructed for the new ground at Bramley-Moore Dock.


Scientists announce a new strain of Covid.

Fabian Delph announces a new strain.

Rondon says he hopes to catch up with the fitness of the rest of the squad before too long.

The rest of the squad return to training.


For the new season, Everton have completed a nostalgic retro-fit of Goodison Park, restoring several old features which had previously been removed, including the Boys’ Pen and decent beer. “Great - decent beer for a change,” says Dave Abrahams, “Tony, get them in!”

Farhad Moshiri leads an emotional Bill to the retro-fit Boys Pen and invites him to be the first to enter. As a pool of nostalgic tears gathers at Bill’s feet, the door “accidentally” slams shut in the wind. Mr Moshiri fumbles in his pocket for a key that seems to have “gone missing”. Mr Moshiri mumbles something about Kirkby and slopes off saying he’ll find a spare key.


Danny O’Neill uses all the expertise gained from his army experience to make a phone call: “Brent, I can’t attend the away game at Palace as I have Covid; but my brother, Jamie, will take the ticket you gave me, the seat next to you, if that’s okay”.

“No problem”, says Brent.

“Must go, Signals problem”, says Danny.

Duncan Ferguson pleads to be relieved of his head coach duties before the Palace game.

Everton’s new part-time head coach, Boris Johnson (still acting as World King and Prime Minister) says “I’ve always loved a Palace trip. But what a dysfunctional lot.”

Danny’s brother, Jamie, phones: “Brent, I’ve returned a positive Covid test; I hope I didn’t infect you at Palace.”

Brent emails Danny, thanking him for everything.


Mr Moshiri finally finds a spare key to the retro-fit Boys Pen. Pauses. Strokes his wallet thoughtfully. “Maybe we should just wait a little while longer,” he smirks to himself.

“BMD – that’ll never happen” writes Nobby Naysayer on ToffeeWeb.

Later in the day, Everton release the latest video of construction of the first tier of stands for the new ground at Bramley-Moore Dock.


Boris Johnson, still part-time Everton head coach but doubling up with Prime Ministerial responsibility for managing the New Year Honours List, tosses into a waste paper bin (Derek Knox, stop it) an anonymous letter with a West End postmark, nominating a certain Bill Kenwright.

Fabian Delph finally declares himself “fit for the game tomorrow”. The head coach says “Turn up at Goodison at 8:00 am sharp!”

The fixture list shows no games for another 2 weeks – international break.


Everton announce season ticket and seating arrangements for the new stadium at Bramley-Moore Dock, now more than half-built.

Nobby Naysayer writes to Everton saying that he “wants a seat in the upper reaches of the South Stand”.

Everton email Nobby saying “That’ll never happen.”

Brent Stephens is congratulated by several ToffeeWeb posters for finally making an intelligent football comment. (That’ll never happen!)

Moshiri tweets “Has anybody seen Bill lately? He’s not in the Boys Pen.”

Moshiri is later seen with a jug of water and a stale loaf outside a centuries-old lock-up on Everton Brow, whistling his favourite Beatles tune “Fool on the Hill”.

‘Tis Christmas Eve, and Ebenezer Kenrick begrudgingly releases Lyndon Cratchit from his duties, resenting the custom of allowing people time off for holidays. Ebenezer urges Cratchit to come in early the day after Christmas to make up for his time off.

And Dave – I know you’ll take the ribbing in good spirit. I really wish you’d let me do an interview with you for ToffeeWeb. Not too late to change your mind. Seriously. I’d even buy you a pint.

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Reader Comments (36)

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Barry Hesketh
1 Posted 04/01/2022 at 18:55:32
Very good, Brent. Is it true that Dave is part of the royal family? as they don't carry cash either. Just one slight point of accuracy in your report, there's no way that MK would allow Lyndon to have a lit fire at any time, never mind the holiday season.
Danny O’Neill
2 Posted 04/01/2022 at 19:18:47
Brilliant Brent. That had me chuckling away throughout.

It will be Rhodesian Ridgeback induced dog flu that will morph into a variant and that rare condition first coined by John Senior – Evertonianitis. Incurable.

I look forward to hopefully and eventually meeting Dave and getting a drink. That Tony will no doubt pay for by the sounds of it.

You forgot May 14th. If that happens, the drinks are on me. Take a screen shot as evidence!

Great post.

Derek Moore
3 Posted 04/01/2022 at 19:33:55
Very droll indeed, Brent!

Barry (#1), Mr Abrahams may not qualify as a Mountbatten-Windsor, but he's certainly ToffeeWeb royalty as far as I'm concerned!

I'm curious about this newfound revelation though. Is it true, Tony A, that when your Dad gets a fiver out of his wallet, the Queen blinks at the light?

Tony Abrahams
5 Posted 04/01/2022 at 19:49:06
He's got no time for the Royal family, Derek, but I've seen him kiss the Queen... and then put her straight back in his pocket, a few times!
Neil Copeland
6 Posted 04/01/2022 at 20:07:44
Brent, brilliant mate, had a good laugh. Characters are spot on!
Dale Self
7 Posted 04/01/2022 at 20:15:24
Outrageous Brent. Now get to work on the sequel, good job.
Dave Abrahams
8 Posted 04/01/2022 at 20:56:24
Dale (7) “Outrageous Brent” – not as outrageous as my solicitor when I phoned him about the slurs in this thread. "He'll curse the day he was born" was my brief's final sentence, and there is a couple more on this thread he is looking into.

“I'm in the money!”

Neil Copeland
9 Posted 04/01/2022 at 21:11:43
Dave, uh oh, when I said "characters are spot on", I was obviously referring to the others rather than your very generous good self.
Kieran Kinsella
10 Posted 04/01/2022 at 21:31:16

The Holgate and Dave Abraham mentions cracked me up. Sorry Dave, I've never met you and I am sure you're completely innocent of these outrageous charges.

Brent Stephens
11 Posted 04/01/2022 at 21:54:00
Danny #2

“You forgot May 14th. If that happens, the drinks are on me. Take a screen shot as evidence!”.

Danny, I'll hold you to that. How about 23rd April first?

Neil #9, you and I are both stuffed.

Neil Copeland
12 Posted 04/01/2022 at 22:04:59
Brent, maybe Dave will buy us both a pint with his newly gained riches. You know in a no hard feelings type of way… actually, nah, no chance.
Dave Abrahams
13 Posted 04/01/2022 at 22:11:57
Neil (12) I remember the good night we had in the Excelsior so you are safe, erm for now!!
Neil Copeland
14 Posted 04/01/2022 at 22:14:18
Dave #13, cheers mate, I've always said you are a proper good ‘un.

Brent, looks like you are in deep shit!

Rob Halligan
15 Posted 04/01/2022 at 22:30:09
Brent, is someone using a pseudonym on TW? Nobby Naysayer, never heard of him!! 😁😁😁
Brent Stephens
16 Posted 04/01/2022 at 22:35:16
Kieran, no need to side with him. You know you won’t get anything.

Rob, your task is to guess.

Derek Moore
17 Posted 04/01/2022 at 22:45:08
Don't do it, Rob!!!

Two libel actions from one thread would be a ToffeeWeb record!

Brent's best bet IMO is a GoFundMe to a non-extradition country. The UAE might be a little too warm, same story for Qatar but at least he'll have the World Cup to look forward to. I've heard Armenia has its charm, and if exotic wildlife is his thing then Namibia might be worth consideration?

I know Ebenezer Kenrick can't be expected to contribute. And it would be unfair to expect his serf Cratchit to chip in from the meagre wages he receives. But perhaps the rest of us can put enough together to give Brent a chance at a new life, free from the threat of bankruptcy and garnished wages?

I'll email Cratchit to see if he can put a poll up to see if it's feasible. It's been too long since we've had one anyway.

Whatever happens, Brent, I do wish you luck. And when you choose your new identity, consider a cool name. Like Derek. Or errr... Dave. 😂

Rob Halligan
18 Posted 04/01/2022 at 23:06:36
Brent, it's my Task....Er, let me see now!!

Derek, the only safe place for Brent would be The Maldives!! Hundreds of islands and only a few are inhabited. I can just imagine Brent playing the part Tom Hanks played in Cast Away. Wilson could be his new name!

Brendan McLaughlin
19 Posted 04/01/2022 at 23:15:23
A wonderfully delivered cross from Stephens (#16) ... headed home delightfully by Halligan (#18)!
Brent Stephens
20 Posted 04/01/2022 at 23:47:17
Rob, great goal as Brendan says.

But the Maldives is being swamped by rising sea levels. And I'm a short arse. What are you trying to tell me?

Rob Halligan
21 Posted 04/01/2022 at 23:51:25
Brent, as one island sinks, another one rises. You could go island hopping!!
Brent Stephens
22 Posted 05/01/2022 at 09:39:45
Rob #21 "Brent, as one island sinks, another one rises. You could go island hopping!!"

Rob, I suspect it doesn't work that way with climate change!

And no chance of my hopping it anyway.

Jerome Shields
23 Posted 05/01/2022 at 09:56:48
Very Good, Brent. When you look back at 2021, the predictions are not beyond the realms of being possible. Thought the casting of Michael as Scrooge was right. His editorial interventions could be precised by the use of the word 'humbug'.
Brian Wilkinson
24 Posted 05/01/2022 at 16:53:35
Well Brent, that was excellent, take a bow, a good read and very funny.
Brent Stephens
25 Posted 05/01/2022 at 18:47:00
Brian #24 "Well Brent, that was excellent, take a bow, a good read and very funny."

You might not be praising the next one, Brian - you might be a central character!

Darren Hind
26 Posted 05/01/2022 at 20:40:45
That's 5 minutes I won't get back.

"Unsworth will fill a huge gap in defence" ... "I can chew gum" ... "That's just shit" ... "Nobby Naysayer" ... "A fifty-pence with a hinge" ... "Has anybody seen Bill lately?" ... "Nobody can understand Dunc."

All great stuff, if you're a fan of Tony Blackburn, but people (scousers in particular) like their humour to be barbed and funny... or at least new. This wheeze-inducing collection of in-jokes is about as funny as brake failure.

The only thing that surprises me is that 10/11 people actually responded... I guess those named felt obliged.

ToffeeWeb got great because of great footy debate... It's better than this.

Dale Self
27 Posted 05/01/2022 at 20:45:50
Baaaaaaah! Have a fucking drink man.
Mike Gaynes
28 Posted 05/01/2022 at 21:11:33
Brent, ya got me giggling like an idjit here. As do the quippy responses. (Especially #26. Oh, wait, he was serious!?! That's even funnier.)

The most hilarious part of all is that none of these predictions is actually beyond the realm of possibility. (Especially the ones about Dave, Rob, Holgate and "said punter".)

First Guinness is on me next time over.

Rob Halligan
29 Posted 05/01/2022 at 21:24:39
You saying I'm always getting banned from TW, Mike? 😁😁😁
Mike Gaynes
30 Posted 05/01/2022 at 22:13:00
Rob, I'm consulting my attorney, my rabbi and my Secret Service detail before replying. Back to you shortly.
Brent Stephens
31 Posted 05/01/2022 at 22:20:04
Mike, as Dale would say, "outrageous"!
Brian Wilkinson
32 Posted 07/01/2022 at 20:05:44
Brent@25, as long as me and Bill Kenwright are not mentioned in the same breath, otherwise I will have to change from being the messiah and turn into being a very naughty boy.
Brent Stephens
33 Posted 08/01/2022 at 10:17:00
Brian #32 "as long as me and Bill Kenwright are not mentioned in the same breath, otherwise I will have to change from being the messiah and turn into being a very naughty boy."

RIght, you've mentioned "him" so you're nicked, Sonny Jim. Next time you'll be in - the naughty corner.

Tony Everan
34 Posted 11/01/2022 at 17:24:58
Brent that gave me a good laugh …

I’d be worried that soon Dave’s briefs are going to be all over you.

Rob Halligan
35 Posted 11/01/2022 at 17:29:45
Horrible thought that, Tony. Can just imagine the smell as well!
Brent Stephens
36 Posted 11/01/2022 at 17:33:44
Not a thought I want to linger, Tony! I hear he only changes them when Everton win.
Jim Burns
37 Posted 12/01/2022 at 17:33:37

I'm late to the party I know - but brilliant mate - brilliant!

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