Embarrassing For Football

Hindsight you would say bring Duffy on, as the hail Mary ball was going to be their most obvious threat with 4 minutes to go. Howard should of punched it having watched it again. Sating on the line cost us, with that crap foot shuffle that = goal.

I rate you 1/10!

You could not be more wrong on Hitz. One of the shining lights of the 1st half who did two or three things with the ball – like, remember, the smart ball to get the goal move in motion – that are not even in Neville's songbook. Giving him 4 is nothing short of blind and outrageous.

Agree on Ovedio, but let's not forget that, like just about everyone else in blue, his 2nd half stint was a shadow of his 1st half.

Whaddya think of them apples! Surely a big mistake... Oviedo has only looked any good playing on the left. Given the influence he was having early on, I wonder how crucial this decision was in the ultimate dropping of two more points.

Now was there any real need to switch things after a first half where we played some nice stuff, were ahead, and, quite frankly, not really threatened by the lame looking Canaries? (Reminds me a little of a couple of weeks ago when we were ahead, looking dandy, and with 2 mins to go, Moyses changed it and we all know what happened next).

I can only imagine Moyes chatting with Roundy, eager eyes on Roundy's drawings, thinking that we need to change something and why not reunite Pienaar and Baines. Well, it went wrong and yes, if put on the spot, Moyes needs to shoulder the blame for a few recent decisions that have contributed to us not winning games we were for a long while in charge of.

Listen, if PT decides to post his reviews then I have a right to say that I found this one (1) wrong and (2), like others in the genre, annoying for me at any rate with his so we got the bus, the tunnel was closed, mmmm chips for me today, stuff.

Just my view, like, but again I will say that I have nothing but admiration for your thoughtful, imaginative, intellectual, and poised response. Well done lad.

One last tip, before you grow up and have a family, make sure to take a few lessons in how to treat others including your own children. They're like driving lessons to give you some context, but don't involve driving cars.

He takes the time to post a match report week in week out, and I personally find the added details regarding his build up to the game (as well as his player ratings) as an interesting point of difference to the other match reports.

Think you could do better? Well go for it, Toffeeweb is an open forum for anyone to post a match report if they wish.

Can’t be bothered though I assume? Just easier to have a dig at someone who actually does like to take the time to keep us informed on the games (as well as other club functions I may add).

So, as Franny quite rightly stated… if you don’t like it, don’t fucking read it. Or alternatively, just keep your discourteous thoughts to yourself.

Keep up the good work Mr Traill. It’s much appreciated by everyone apart from the occasional idiot.

There are plenty of other options on TW and elsewhere if you prefer a straightforward report.

I could've spent much longer explaining that you where being a dick posting a critique of what is, a young lads report of his match day experience, but quite frankly I couldn't be arsed. Much like the way you can't be arsed typing up your own match reports.

So apologies if my response was too blunt for your liking, but you can always just read Jamie Sweets response, which says the same thing just more eloquently than mine.

The fact is, we aren't good enough. We'll probably have a decent season and finish somewhere between 7th and 10th. Come January, our goal will be to finish above the RS again despite teams like Arsenal, Spurs, Newcastle, RS not being as good as they once were. That's what being an Evertonian is all about nowadays. Sad though it is. We need to wake up and accept that this is all Everton will be good for with the current regime.

From a few weeks back we've gone from lauding players to saying they are not good enough to wear the shirt. Last week, there was a thread about the Reading game. I went through and totalled up every player who was named by at least one contributer as not being good enough. It was utterly depressing. Only Baines and Fellaini were omitted.

The fact is, we are a decent team with a prudent manager. No more. No less. We'll have some results when we think we're getting back to where we belong. We'll have other weekends that are simply ruined by an abject performance. Different season. Same old story.

What's 'same old story' in latin, anyone?

And I stick by all I said about the mistakes in the report and my view of its tenor and tone. Churlish? Childish? If you can't be arsed to write your own report then don't have a dig at someone who does.

Well, okay, retrospectively:

'I slipped out of bed in the cold weather at about 7:45am leaving the missus in bed. Getting excited as I put one foot in front of the other and went down the stairs. Grey skies outside and greying lawns, hope that's not an omen for the match.

Hmmmm eggs and muffins or smoked salmon bagels, but got the coffee beans ground first of course, mmm love that smell. Perhaps I might nip downtown to watch the match in the alehouse or will it be HD at home? Benny, Bobby, and Billy won't be there today so I'll stay put, it's 24°F outside anyway. Shower before or after the match?

As I was walking into the garden to pick up the New York Times – they throw it on the lawns over here – my phone hummed and the team news came through. Pleased to see Hitz starting, I'm sure he'll play much better today than that Paul Trail fella will say. No Mirallas, that's a blow. Surely not Osman behind Jelly, ah no I see what's going on... That leather sofa needs to be replaced or upholstered.

Got me EFC CD so I can put on Z Cars at 8:56. Eggs sizzling nicely, coffee going down like a Stella on County Road. Buzzing. Everyone, well just me, talking excitedly about the right back slot."

[Do you really want me to go on with this???????]

Team texted through, better sit...

Woke up, got outa bed, dragged a comb across my head
Found my way downstairs and drank a cup and looking up I...

Every morning after I have meditated for 30 minutes, I fire my lappy up and....

I always pictured you as bald.

Woke up, got outa bed, dragged a comb across my head, screamed..... baldy get!!

"pot calling kettle black"

There's enough problems regarding racism in football without you starting on kitchen implements.

The egg yolk erupted over my mouth covering it in deep yellow, the colour of our opponents today – I wondered if that meant something. Yoke rhymes with joke and I truly hope that we make the singing canaries look like a joke when 10-45/4-45 rolls around. I licked the crumbs from each side of the mouth, grateful once more that I do not have a beard to tache, like two-thirds of our starting eleven: for what it’s worth, I think that Ozzie wins the tache race, hands down, he has become more mature since his international call up.

Nine minutes to kick off and I’m excited. ‘Here we go, Here we go’ leaps out from my Bose iPod player; I smile as I think of the lads running down the stairs on Terry Wogan’s show bouncing balls, miming one of our greatest songs. I turn up the sound to drown out Mrs Ferry’s post-coitus snoring. Thoughts flood back to last night’s marathon sex bout and a particular piece of gymnastics sends shivers up and down my spine and my Terry Darracott starts to do its impression of a flagpole. I reach for my glove but it’s 8:56am; Z Cars time. The military beat of the opening drums sends me marching round by house like a gung-ho young Mussolini advocate. 8:58am, I dive on the sofa (leather) arms flapping and flailing like dickhead Howard flapping and flailing like a turd at a cross. TV comes on. ‘I Love Lucy’. Hmmm match/I Love Lucy, I Love Lucy/match? Coin toss. Match wins. Match starts. I immediately fall to sleep.

9:11am or so and I wake up. A roar. Get in. Nice one. We’ve scored. Sadly your trusty match reporter isn’t sure who scored. More ZZZZZZsss. Half-time, and all the talk here at Chez Ferry is about who the fuck scored. A plaintiff plea from above reminds me that her indoors wants her tea and runny boiled eggs with soldiers. Job done like a true blue trooper I flop on the sofa only to find that I have missed the first 8 minutes of the second half: would you Adam and Eve it, I chuckled to myself. The loud pip of the final whistle brought me out of the liminal twilight world between sleep and consciousness. Thoughts turned straight away to my conclusions and player ratings. Thus:

Howard – twat turd – unforgivable error for the 2nd penalty – sort it out Moyes: 0.42

Jags – great turn for the second goal otherwise??????: 1.38

Baines – Mr Moyes he is not a stand in centre-half OKAY: 3.67

Distin – who????: 1.22

Flying Dutchman – your ship has sunk sir: 0.64

Hitz – don't get me started on German clichés, what a gobshite: 9.23

Osman – worth 1.0 for the tache alone: 1.0

Nayshit – thought he had one of his better games, was everywhere, great first touch throughout – looks very comfortable on the ball: 6.89

Costa Rica fella – slow down on the coffee before the game son: 3.11

Peanuts – MotM by a country mile, great to see him back to his old self again – great link up play with Distin – lovely shimmy for the 4th goal: 9.57

Jelavic – Mrs Ferry’s favourite, she wants to hump him big style and called me Jelly in bed last night at a sensitive moment on a sensitive spot: 0.23

Anichebe – the ref had no option but to give him a straight red after that quite frankly unEvertonlike attempted murder on Colin Suggett – 22,456 people saw it with their own eyes: -4.17

Neville – sub – not used – God/Allah be praised.

All round a satisfactory day at the races, I thought. Bring on the Baggies on Wednesday, I’ll be there on the sofa at 2:00pm

COYB